A Good Workout

I woke up determined to do one thing: put my running shoes on and have some serious run time on the treadmill. It's been a crazy, emotional roller coaster ride these past few weeks with coming back to Omaha, picking Brent up at the airport five days later and then bringing him back yesterday to say goodbye for another five months. There was a desperation in me to run my legs off and hash it all out. This has become more than a physical conditioning for my body, now it's a "throw your gloves on" deep cleansing of my soul and I already know that today is going to be a long run with all the stuff I need to sort out with God.

The first minutes are always like a dog tearing out the door after being cooped up inside all day. I've got my ishuffle cued to today's choices of Sara Groves songs and as always the lyrics serve like a person adding their wise observations to a conversation as I let my mind wander over the beautiful two weeks we had with Brent. There, of course, are memories too private to share and then their are the ones too precious not to. Like Sage skipping into the airport, chatting away about going to find Daddy and then the smile on her face as she shyly walked into his arms with no intentions of ever being let go of and not a single word left to say. Or Clare being at a water park and so overwhelmed by all the sights and sounds but the moment Brent came into view she screams out "DADA!" like she knew who was suppose to protect her.

I'm feeling great. Maybe I'll add minutes to this run today.

This goodbye was different then last time. I told Brent that the best way that I could describe how it feels to send my husband into a country where there are men at any corner who would give their lives end his is this: I'm standing on the shore of a frozen lake with my hands tied, mouth gagged and eyes blindfolded, knowing that Brent is on that lake walking over it hour after hour, day after day; and also knowing that there are parts of that lake where the ice is so thin he would be certain to fall through. If he did, I would not be able to help him and since I cannot see or hear him, I wouldn't even know it had happened until someone lifted that blindfold off my eyes. It took everything in me to let him go and watch his uniform disappear through the doors of the airport.

My knee is hurting a bit...weird. I read something that knee problems in runners can come from the runner turning their feet in when they step (I'm not even sure if I do that) so maybe I'll try focusing on the way I plant my foot...what do you know, it seems to help. I think the pain is going away.

I think I've been purposely avoiding the reality of where he is. No CNN, no FOX news, nothing. I wanted to avoid all reports of terrorist activities and live in the idea that it was relatively safe where Brent is. Brent's camera wasn't working either so I wasn't even getting pictures from him either. But then he came home and there were the less than expected conditions that he is living in and traveling in and not to mention, the time I slipped and watched a report of a suicide bomber in southern Afghanistan and listened as the Taliban claimed responsibility and promised more attacks in that area. That area...southern Afghanistan...where Brent is. My Brent, my most favorite person in the whole world, the man I want to laugh with and love for the rest of my life, the father of our sweet and innocent little girls. I know they just want to drive fear into us and well, I'm sorry but they have succeeded in scaring me. How am I suppose to be okay with this? How do I just sit here for the next five months waiting to see how it all pans out?

I think I started out too fast. My side is hurting now. I know if I focus on my breathing it will get better. This is not the wall, I will not stop for just this. I'll just breathe.

We keep saying that God has a purpose for us in all of this and things that He wants to show us and teach us. So I guess now would be a good time to start looking for today's lesson. In an instant the angels are flapping their wings again. I had been praying for God's angels to protect Brent and the men there and I all of sudden remembered that I'm not completely helpless...okay, okay, I know that when I'm relying on God to be my strength I'm never helpless. But the Bible talks a lot about angels and how many times they were used to bring messages and warnings and also to protect people. I figure they must be much more intimidating than any army we've got so, "Lord, send your strongest angels. Let them stand as a barrier between Brent and these men whose only mission in being there is to help the people of Afghanistan."

Pain is gone but the run isn't going as easy as I thought it would be. I won't be adding minutes to this run but I know I will finish it. Sage is running around in circles by me while Clare's taking her nap. I hope that as they grow up they get something out of being around us while we work out. I hope they will want to live healthy lives.

Two eyes, one pair green and often found in a look of deep contemplation as she figures out the workings of her world and the other blue and so ready to smile at what she knows in her young one year of life. They flash in my mind and all of a sudden I know that this journey, this difficult road is not only about what I can learn but also about what I can teach them.

My knee is hurting again and this time the way I step my foot isn't going to help it. I know I should probably stop to prevent injury but I can't, not now. I need to finish this run.

Brent said the one thing that gets him through this is knowing that if something did happen to him that I would be alright because my faith in Jesus would get me through it. I feel a certainty in that too but right now I need Jesus to get me through today. I need to let Him take this fear and hold it for me so that I can be the mother He wants me to be for my girls. I need to let Him take over so that one day they can look back and know that the One I live for was the one who stepped up to the plate to take Brent's spot of support and reassurance to me through this whole time. This may be the greatest lesson I'll ever teach them and it will not be by my words but by the way I live right now, this moment and the moments to come. Now is not the time to give up and sit on the couch every day, throwing pity parties for myself. I want them to know that choosing Jesus doesn't mean you get a free pass from all the hard stuff in life but that when you do, He's there to see you through it. He wants to be our peace. He wants to hold us and comfort us when it seems we're hanging by a thread. The bonus is that when we draw ourselves so close to Him, He makes us more like Him. I pray that someday they will see God in all of this too.

I'm literally hobbling along now. I know I'm going to pay for this later and that I've let this battle inside me morph out onto the treadmill but I can't stop. I have to finish this run.

I focus my eyes for the hundredth time on the sign Brent hung for me to have in my line of sight as inspiration for these kinds of workouts. It's that war sign with the words "We Can Do It" over a woman flexing her arm. Today the "We" is Brent and myself and in my heart I hear the words "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength."

"...Christ who gives me strength."

"...strength."


I finish my run.

I will be back tomorrow.

We are Home

After three months of crashing at my parents home, we are back in NE and so happy to be home. There were many blessings to living up in MN for that time but it also feels so good to be in our own space on this earth. The time with Nana and Papa was very special for the girls and I will cherish the pictures in my mind of Sage clinging to my Dad for a special "Papa hug" or Clare having were dynamic conversations with Mom. It was a time filled with monumental moments like Sage becoming completely potty trained (thank you hot tub--you will never know what you mean to me) and Clare getting her first teeth and doing other firsts like crawling, pulling her self up, saying "hi" while waving at you and learning the "more" sign. For me it was a blessing to have someone else to share these moments with while Brent is gone. It was sad to have to say goodbye to them and while the quietness in their house now is probably a bit strange, I'm sure it's also welcomed. That, and the removal of the toys that somehow never stayed in the toy box when someone cleaned up are I'm sure very appreciated right now!

The drive back was long with icy roads over half of the journey. The girls and I stopped at my good friend Becky's house and spent the night on Saturday to break the trip up and to get a chance to visit with her. She and her husband, Travis, are amazing. Somehow they are able to not only stay sane but also to be an inspiration to everyone around them as they raise two VERY active boys who are 3 and 4 and twin girls who are 5 months old. I have no idea how they do it but they do. Yet even in all the chaos of their kids plus mine added to the mix, it was so fun to see them and to stay up and visit with Becky. I love this family and I always leave them feeling like I learned something new about God's love.

After the winter blog from earlier it was a shock to get into Omaha and see barely any snow on the ground and for the temperature to be 45 warm degrees! Thank you Lord! Sage was so thrilled to start seeing sights in the car that she recognized and when we finally came into the house she ran from room to room saying "I'm so glad to be home." Then they sat and went through all the toys that were left here and she would pick up the dinkiest toy that probably came from a happy meal and say "Look Mom, my kitty!" Clare on the other hand does not seem to recognize this as home and has been quite clingy but that doesn't surprise me too much. She only woke up once last night so that's a good sign.

I have many pictures from our stay in MN that I plan to share as soon as I demolish the piles of stuff that need to get put away.

A Hint of Lunacy

In one word I can summarize the weather up here this past month: COLD!!!!!

I'm not talking about a "Ohhh, it's chilly out. I'd better throw on my fuzzy Gap scarf before I go outside" kind of cold. We're talking so cold that there is a sense of urgency that rushes through your body when you step outside that tells you that you'd better get to where you're heading fast before your lungs freeze and you are left standing like one of the sorry souls frozen in time in the Chronicles of Narnia.

Here's the kicker: we want to move back to Minnesota in a couple years. I know, I KNOW! One has to wonder if brain cells were possibly killed off during the winter months that we would still want to move back here, knowing what we would have to endure every year. A normal person would stay far, far away from this insane climate but in spite of the brutal cold, we still love this area. There is a beauty here that comes with the winter that makes the cold a part of home as much as the mosquito filled, hot summer days that serve as a reprieve for our frost bitten toes.

I'll give you a taste of that beauty I found on my way to the mailbox one day. It was a quick trip as the temp was in the negatives and my body was numb by the time I got back in the house but I was determined to get some proof that there was something to be treasured in this ice covered paradise. You be the judge.

Beautiful Memories

This was what I came to Minnesota for--to be with my family on the days when being with family matters most. I wasn't sure where my emotions would be running during this time with Brent so far away but I'm happy to say I held my own. Oh, I missed him terribly but at least I didn't weep my way through Christmas and I even was able to allow myself to feel the joy of watching two little girls experience the wonder of this very special day. I'm sure those of you with kids can relate when I say that Christmas is so much more wonderful when you get to share the excitement with your kids.

I'd like to think that Kade and Sage were reenacting Mary and Joseph's long journey to Bethlehem but I'm pretty sure they were just playing "ride the horsey."

This is Anika in her usual place right next to a baby. She is so sweet with babies and just loves to mother them. Poor Clare had a true "no room at the inn" Christmas experience when alas, there was no room for her at the table so she had to be seated on the floor. She didn't mind at all though, as long as we kept food on her tray.

This is my great aunt Judith sittting next to Kade. She's been a part of every holiday we've gathered together as a family for as long as I can remember. Such an intelligent lady with a great sense of humor to boot. We all just love her so much--even the kids love having Auntie Judith come for a visit. This year we had a brunch on Christmas Day and I thought it was so wonderful. In my world you cannot beat quiche, home made breads and pastries and fresh fruit. You can see towards the bottom of the picture a tray of lefse that my parents made. For those of you who are not from these parts, lefse is a Norwegian staple around here around Christmas. It is a potato dough that is made on a special iron and the best lefse maker can roll the dough out until it's so thin you can see through it. Spread butter and sprinkle sugar on it then roll it up and you have a tradition that's been here since the Scandinavians settled this area.

Right before Christmas Brent and I started to get to talk to each other using the webcams on our computers. We had tried this when he first went to Afghanistan but the connection was so horrible we could neither see or hear each other. We were still able to talk every day on the phone but it was hard for him to have any communication with Clare (for obvious reasons of her being a baby) and Sage who refuses to talk to anyone on the phone. Now the connection is so clear and we use it a couple time a day. This has also been really great for the girls to see and hear their Daddy and they get so excited when they talk to him that they literally end up bouncing all over the screen. I like to think that being able to talk to Brent like this was truly a Christmas gift from God. This may be a hard thing for us to go through but He has given us so much to be thankful for.

Update

As of today, Sage has made a proper disposals of bodily matter for the last two weeks. Excuse me for a second...

PRAISE THE LORD!!!!!!!!!!

Seriously the best Christmas gift the girl has given me.

"Potty Training Brings Mother To Her Knees"

Disclaimer: This post is primarily about poop. Read at your own risk of inducing gag reflex.

I don't really like to write about the progress (and regression) of potty training with Sage mainly because it is my least favorite part of parenting to date and I am hoping that my brain will erase all memory of this trial much like the brain does when a person has been seriously physically or emotionally traumatized. However, the last two days have been a wide range of disgusting moments and jump-in-the-air victories that I can't help but share them.

First off, no. 1 has been going very well with very few accidents in a long while. No. 2, on the other hand, has been a virtual nightmare. To date Sage has only done that duty in the toilet a handful of times, the rest have been...well, there are few other options left so you can figure that one out. Is she afraid of it? No, I don't think so because when she has gone it wasn't that big of a deal to her. Is it a power struggle? Perhaps and if it is then she is winning and I'm clueless as to how to gain control of this situation. Bribes have worked but once the reward has been achieved she has gone back to her old routine of waking up in the morning or after a nap and notifying me that she has pooped in her pants--which really isn't necessary because I can smell it on the other side of the house. Trust me, I have tried everything. My only glimmer of hope has been that most kids seem to figure it out at some point, I'm just hoping I'll be able to send her to school because I'm pretty sure that "daily cleaning of poopy pants" is not on a teacher's job description.

That brings us to a couple of days ago. I knew Sage was up from her nap when I heard her talking in her room so I ran upstairs to get her, hoping that she had not done her thing yet but once I opened the door I could smell that I was too late. She looked at me as if I had just interrupted an important business meeting between her and the dolls and then said to me "Mommy, go out there. Please shut the door." I asked her, "Should we clean you up first?" "No." I obliged, figuring I would like a little more alone time as well. About ten minutes later I heard her open the door and head to my room. She walks in and drops this bombshell "Mommy want to clean the poop on the bed?" WHAT???!!!! I head to her room and right there, smeared across the bed, was my breaking point. Noooooooo. She had dug into her pull-up and then wiped what she had found onto her bed. Then I realize that she is walking around touching who knows what with that same hand. I race back to her and grab the nearest pack of wipes and start tearing one after the other out as I wash her hands, even getting under the finger nails, and then for good measure, wipe down then the rest of her body as well. By the time I'm actually changing her I am losing it as I ramble off something like "We do not touch poop. Poop is not a toy and we don't want to touch it because then our hands will be very, VERY dirty. You need to put your poop in the potty. No more pooping in your pants. No more. Repeat after me: I promise...I won't...poop in my pants." This ranting continued as I brought her downstairs seeing as how the container of wipes I had just used was for the purpose of cleaning her enough to get her from upstairs, down to the bathroom where I threw her in the shower. After hearing me say for the twentieth time "No more pooping in your pants," Sage interrupted me to ask if she could go in my parents hot tub. She's been asking this a lot lately so what does a mother do when she really wants a certain action from her child? That's right, bribery at its finest my friends. I'm not at all ashamed to use it--as long as it's used correctly. I tell her that of course she can go in the hot tub after she has pooped in the potty. Immediately after getting out of the shower she says "I have to go potty" so she sits down and starts pushing until her face resembles a tomato. She looks at me and concludes "It's not working. I have to try Papa's potty." Right, I'm sure that will make all the difference. We grab Clare and head to my parents bathroom which is also the room that holds the hot tub. The pushing resumes and after a bit she is able to push out the tiniest poop ever. Seriously, squint and you'll see it. Great. I have no choice but to make a huge deal out of it and let her get into the hot tub. I was actually pretty happy because I thought maybe I had stumbled upon the one vice that I could use to throw the power into my court. The next day she wakes up clean and I kindly remind her that there is a dip in the water coming her way when she makes a proper deposit. Later that morning she gets it into her head that she really wants to go in the tub so for 30 minutes she runs her naked butt back and forth between the bathrooms to figure out which toilet is going to be the one that works today. Every five minutes she would run to me (I was feeding Clare her cereal) and exclaim "Mommy, I did it! I did it!" and I would go look with her but what she had done was pee so I would tell her good job and keep working on that poop. Finally after making her victory claim for the sixth time I go look again, expecting to see nothing, and there it was...cue the choir...Papa's toilet once again worked like a charm. Oh, there was no faking my joy that time.

No dip in the hot tub yet today but also, no accidents either. My fingers are tightly crossed...in fact, they're starting to hurt from being crossed for so long. I'm hoping that if any of you see Sage in the next few weeks, you will find a water-logged girl with dry, itchy skin from all of her trips into the hot tub. One can always hope.

"Oh Christmas Tree, Oh Christmas Tree..."

It was one of those moments when you ask yourself as a parent "Was leaving the house really worth it today?" In an attempt to create a memorable, Hallmark moment for our children, my sister-in-law, Ester, and I persuaded my parents to drive an hour to the only Christmas tree farm in this area so we could cut down our own trees.

We would give our kids the experience of entering an enchanted world of snow covered pine trees gently sheltering the cozy cabin where they would be welcomed to gather around the fake fire glow and sip hot chocolate in the cancer causing styrofoam cups while filling our tummies on homemade chocolate chip cookies.

Then, only the brave would ready themselves to enter the legendary, spit-turns-to-ice-before-it-hits-the-ground, MN air. Their courage leaves us weak ones in awe.

With Papa leading the way, our fearless hunters set off on the trail to find the trophy Christmas tree. We pray for their safe return.

With much anticipation we waited for what we hoped would be the Christmas tree of all Christmas trees. Our excitement built in us until it bubbled over into singing and dancing with joyous hugs for one another.

Then, in the midst of our gleeful dancing we heard the sound...oh, the wonderful sound...of the snowmobile bringing back a tree cut just for us. This brought another round of happiness for all the children. Happy, happy, happy. Not crabby...just happy, happy...

Oh what's the use, here's what really happened.

We left to go get Ester and the kids over an hour past the time we had planned for which already was pushing back the naps we had planned for the kids to take in the car. After Ester and I had gotten the car seats and Anika and Kade loaded up I ran back to the house to get Kason only to find the door was locked. Poor little guy sat in the house, buckled in his car seat, all by himself for hour while my parents tried to track down Ehren at work to get the keys. So Ester and I sat in the van trying to entertain Sage, Clare and Anika who were all still needing a nap. When we finally got into the house there was Kason, playing with his socks and mellow as always. He had cried, obviously, during that whole wait but in the end I guess we can just chalk that experience up as a good lesson in self-soothing. So now it's 3:30pm, no naps, and yet we decide to still do the one hour drive and cut down three trees before dark. Do we throw in the towel and settle for a store bought tree? Never! The kids do alright on the drive but of course, Sage doesn't fall asleep until right before we get there. I tried my hardest to get her to go with my Dad, Ester and Kade to get the trees but she was not going to have anything to do with that party. So instead she stayed in the cute, warm cabin with my Mom, Anika, Kason and Clare and targeted all of her crabbiness at the nice old man who owned the place as he tried so hard to give her the cookies his wife had made and the hot chocolate that he had made sure was just the right temperature. After the trees were loaded and everyone had gotten their fill of cookies, we headed back home. Now it's 5:30pm which means it's Clare's supper time but since I had not planned that we would be there this late I had nothing for her besides the puffs Ester had brought and we were given a clear signal from Clare that that was not going to be acceptable. Ohhh, she was not happy and let me tell you, the girl may be little but she has a very loud, piercing cry like you wouldn't believe. This began that unavoidable chain reaction of "kid empathy" as Kason and Anika joined the cry fest--often filling in the silence as another would take a breath. We tried to soothe them with food and music but it was hopeless and in silence Ester and I accepted what our fate was to be for the journey home. The classical music that we had left on to accompany the screams somehow seemed to have a soothing affect on us mom's and as I started to replay the day in my head and then picture how pathetic we must look in that van, I couldn't help but start to get the giggles which made Ester laugh which made that whole day so much better. Another bright note was that in all of Sage's crabbiness, she did not join the others (that's my girl, don't give in to peer pressure!) and remained quiet the whole ride except for the few comments she made from the back of the van informing me that Clare was crying. It may have traumatized her a bit though because when we got home she kept saying over and over "Clare's crying and Kason is crying and Anika's crying and Clare's crying and Kason is crying and Anika..."

In the end I'm glad we went and we did get a beautiful tree and definitely a lasting memory of that day.