She's Going To Be Fine

As I sat in the ER Sunday night, holding Sage in my arms while a mother's worst fears ran through my mind, I wasn't so sure that I would get to hear those words. I prayed for them over and over all the while telling Sage, "You have to wake up, Mommy needs you to be okay."

With tears of relief and gratitude I'm writing now to let all of you who were praying us through that ordeal that Sage came home to Nana and Papa's yesterday and is back to normal. For all of you who prayed, thank you so much--if I could I would give each one of you a hug right now. Those of you who are reading about this for the first time, it is only because there wasn't time for me to call you. Here is the quick version of what happened.

Sunday I took the girls to Fargo and left them for about four hours at my mother-in-law's house while I took some time off for myself. When I came back at about five, Sage was sleeping on her chair and Bev said she had been sleeping for about 40 minutes. I let her sleep a little longer before I went to wake her up and once I started to get her up it was pretty clear something was wrong. No matter what I did to try to wake her (I even brought her outside in the winter cold to try and jar her awake) the biggest response I could get from her was muffled groan or a drugged cry. We took her to the ER and went through about four hours of blood tests, urine tests, a cat scan and many questions. The first answer they gave us was that she had tested positive for marijuana. Imagine my shock at being told that! Thankfully this was shortly taken out of the equation and we learned that the test they administer is not very specific and what Sage had in her was labeled as marijuana. My mother-in-law has some very strong medication and to respect her privacy I'm not going to go into the details but from what we can guess, Sage swallowed one of them. Bev did remember spilling a bottle the week earlier and she thought she had picked them all up, which, I don't hold against her at all. It was an accident that could have happened anywhere, including our house as well. We will know for sure in a day or two what exactly it was that Sage swallowed when the lab results come back from Mayo.

Once they knew the reason for Sage's behavior, they pumped some charcoal into her stomach and sent her to the pediatric ICU to be observed for the night. I was able to talk to Brent during this which was a great relief and my parents also drove to Fargo that evening and stayed with me through it all. Brent's Dad, Bruce and his wife, Jane, watched Clare for me that night and all day Monday. I stayed with Sage Sunday night and every hour a nurse would come into our room to try and wake her and also to check vitals. They were closely watch her respiration and blood pressure since that is what the drug would have affected but both of these stayed normal. It was truly as if I awoke from a nightmare when at 4:20am I heard Sage say from her bed, "Hi Mommy. Daddy's in the desert."

They kept us there another night because they wanted to do an MRI (that came back fine) and to make sure she was acting like her normal self before they released her.

This has definitely given me a wake up call for myself to educating the girls more about not eating things they find that look like candy and to take more precautions when it comes to removing toxic things from their reach.

I have given a glossed over version of this experience but mainly because I don't want to relive parts of that time and also because the main point is that, praise the Lord, she is going to be fine.

Three Years Old

Dear Sage,

This Tuesday you turned three. Ugh, it feels like I was just accepting the fact that you had turned two! But to be honest Sage, I'm looking forward to three and happy to say goodbye to two because two did not always bring out the best in you or me. Still, it was fun year with many memories that your Dad and I will smile over for years to come.

Your actual birthday was celebrated over a birthday lunch with your cousins, Kade and Anika. It was a gourmet meal with meat and cheese sandwiches, carrots, pomegranate seeds and cookies that you picked out. We will have an official birthday party this weekend with all the grandparents, Uncle Ehren and Aunt Ester and their family and great, great Aunt Judith.

We threw a pre-birthday party for you while your Dad was home in October so that he could feel like he was a part of your big day. I don't think you minded that too much.

I'm pretty sure it meant a lot to your Dad too.

You definitely had a lot thrown at you this year kiddo. First, we made you give up your "only child" title and become a big sister to baby Clare. We didn't know what to expect the first time you met her--you had always went into territorial pitbull mode any time I held a baby before Clare was born. I now have a memory planted in my heart of you taking your first peek at Clare and giving her a little wave while saying "Hello baby Clare!"

Now the pitbull only comes out when someone else tries to hold Clare.

You endured many long road trips like a pro (and thanks to the help of that ingenious invention of a portable dvd player and a curious monkey named George). You even lasted through a trip with me and Clare to California. Mommy will probably not be flying with you all by myself for a while though.

The biggest challenge by far has been having to say goodbye to your Daddy that you adore with all of your heart and try your hardest to understand why he is far away and has to be gone for so long. One thing you will never have to doubt, little one, is that you have a Dad who loves you more than you'll ever know. You are only three but he is completely wrapped around your little finger.

I can't say that all of this change hasn't had an effect on you. There have been moments of...well...confusion and...um, let's call it frustration. Oh, and it has also made potty training my least favorite parenting job by far!

But in the end you have remained true to who you are. A shy girl who can romp in the mud and dig for bugs with her Daddy one minute...

and dance around as a Mommy's barefoot princess the next.

This week, for the first time, you have started giving me real kisses. Before when we would ask for a kiss, you would present your cheek to us so that we could give you a kiss. But the other day you planted a kiss on my cheek out of no where and I was so shocked and thrilled that I squealed and said "Thank you Sage! That makes Mommy feel so special." You got this little grin on your face and your eyes were shining with pride. I hugged you so tight and for so long without any intentions of letting you go until you said "Mommy stop that." We are so proud of you, Sage, and you never cease to amaze (and humor) us. You are our precious daughter and we love you so very much.
Happy Birthday sweetheart.

Hello From Afghanistan

I asked Brent to send me an email describing what it is he's doing there because frankly, I wasn't all that clear about it myself. I had a vague idea but not enough to be able to give an intelligible answer to everyone else. So this is the email and I hope, if anything, it gives you a better picture of how to pray for the men serving there.

Thanks for the pictures of bear. I sure miss her. Please send more or put on the blog. She changes so fast! It is weird, I know that she and Sage warm your heart when they do something funny or profound but it makes me sad. I don't really think about what I am missing until I see it and I get sad. There is my little daughter learning to stand. There she is with a smile. Or a story of Sage being shy. Oh Sage, you are our kid. I love the pictures and quotes but I sure wish I could be home.
I know you asked to write about what it is that my job is. Well, I am still learning it but it seems like a combination of things: there are 3 medical providers on our team--a PA, another doc, and me--along with 4 medics. We are in charge of our team of folks on this provincial reconstruction team. So, we provide medical care for around 90 or so people. Not that big of a deal as most are healthy and it is just seeing them now and then. So, that is the easy thing and what we all know how to do it well. Now it comes to the confusing stuff.
We are one "PRT" team charged with trying to help the government show itself to the people. Tough to do when there isn't much of a government. So our engineers try to help the Afghans build their roads or bridges, the civil affairs guys reach out to the community, and the medical folks try to help as well. The group before us were awesome and definitely on the right track. In my humble opinion modern medicine does not help large populations or societies, sure it helps individuals now and then with a heart procedure or something but changing a society's health it doesn't. Simple things do: sanitation, water, immunizations, food, etc. Well, that is what the team before me focused on. They found a way to purify water that is simple to do and cheap. They took a recipe that is helping many malnourished Africans and adapted it to Afghanistan. Instead of using peanuts (none are available here) they use almonds. With some almonds, milk, oil, sugar, etc. they can make high calorie food that helps the kiddo's. Cool. They got approval to have the national government start a midwife program here in Zabul. They also found a way to bring portable clinics to rural areas where their doctors were practicing out of a mud building. So, you ask what we are doing? Basically, it is our charge to keep these programs going. To bring clean water, food, and clinics to other villages. I like this. It is the right direction. There is no point with western medicine here and frankly it does not work and is nonsense to help an individual here or there when hundreds are dying of diarrhea or malnourishment. Does that make sense?
This county is weird. The villages/towns are made of mud. There is no electricity (or little), no running water, no way to heat your mud home except burning wood, and no economy. Yet, next to all this ancient world are a couple old cars, trucks, motorcycles, bikes, pop, and various modern things from Pakistan. Dirty but cute kids line the dirt streets and wave (some throw rocks) as we roll through in our $700,000 armored vehicles. The average Afghan makes $250 per year. The average Afghan lives to 43. The girls you know are growing up to be slaves. The people seem friendly, but yet I don't trust any of them. You pull up to the "hospital" and it is a mess and falling apart. The bathroom is used for storage, the paint is peeling, the walls are sinking, and the entire thing is corrupt. I am sure there are Taliban there and I don't plan on going there much at all. What a weird world.
Do I have much hope for this place? No. It does not come down to medicine, engineers, or reconstruction. It is money. It is the economy. This society does not have an economy that can sustain anything. There are no businesses. There is no employment. There are no roads to get things to market. There is no coastline to ship goods for money. How are these people going to sustain anything by themselves? How after the aid goes dry do they generate anything? How do they get things from the world when they have no money to give and no skills to offer? It just seems that it would be decades before this place gets out of this hole. Maybe I am wrong. Hopefully we will contribute a little good and help some out. It will be an interesting year, but one that I will be thankful is over.

Sun Bear

I realize that many of these posts are about things that Sage has done or said and very little with the subject being Clare. This is only because Clare doesn't say much beyond her babbling and the majority of her activities involve finding things to put in her mouth. I'm not one of those moms who goes into great detail about the first time their child eats cereal or what shade of red the diaper rash is today. However, if the cereal had been chucked at me after the first feeding or if the diaper rash had actually turned out to be strawberry jam then maybe I might find it blog worthy. Much more important to me is writing about the things that show, even at this young age, their personality. Someday I want the girls to read these ramblings of mine like little treasures kept to bring them back to a time of complete innocence and happiness and also to remind there was a lot of work put in to give them that happiness so they had better come visit us when we're old and decrepit and can't find our teeth.

That being said, this post is for Clare.

Today I walked into my parent's office where you were sitting with Papa and I use the word "sitting" loosely because the truth is you can't sit still; every fiber of your being needs to express whatever it is you are thinking or feeling. When you looked up and saw me, it was as if I was your long lost mother that you had been searching for for many long years and not just the few minutes I had been gone. You squealed and grinned and bounced and waved arms and kicked feet and almost threw yourself into the air at me. Now, I know that you were not at all miserable with Papa and that you had actually had a lovely time with him but, you little sweetheart, you saved your biggest love for me. I don't know if I'll ever be able to describe what that feels like to me but I will tell you this: I will treasure that picture of your joy for me in my heart for the rest of my life. You are such a sweet, happy little girl and you make it impossible for me to stay sad on these days when I miss your Dad so much. We have nicknamed you Bear because of the Care Bears (Clare Bear, Care Bear...you get the picture) but your Dad and I have said that if you are a bear then you are definitely a Sun Bear. You could make the grumpiest person on earth smile.

I know that someday I will not be such a huge thrill for you. I dread those days but it's okay, I know it's all a part of growing up and becoming your own individual. Just know that whenever you come home after being away for some time, you may find me squealing, grinning, bouncing, waving arms, kicking feet and throwing myself at you. I promise though, that I will not suck on your face.

"I'm a Monkey!"

I finally can start putting pictures back on the blog so of course I'll start with halloween. Sage insisted on being a monkey this year due to her love of Curious George. This year was special because we got to join cousins Kade, Anika and Kason at a community trick-or-treat put on by the Lions Club. She was so excited to go but the minute we stepped into the gym her shy side took over and we spent the entire time there watching people stand in line to play one of the too few games offered. Whoever is putting this thing together needs to sit with some kids for awhile to reassess what fun is exactly for kids because the excitement level of this shindig is floating at a 2...and I'm being nice. We went outside afterwards and made an attempt at taking a group picture of the kids. It was at this point that Clare did some trick-or-treating of her own by taking samples of whatever nature had left for her to grasp. We had many pauses during our photo shoot for me to run and rummage out whatever leaf/stick/acorn she had stuffed in her mouth. After that we headed to great great aunt Judith's who gave both Sage and Clare a quarter. She also tried to pawn off a duck figuring that she had won at a senior citizens event but Sage didn't take her up on the offer. She was planning on not answering the door to any trick-or-treaters except for us and my brother's kids but while we were at her house the doorbell rang. I could tell by her expression that she was a bit flustered and I could hear her muttering under her breath, "I hope there aren't many...I don't have a lot of quarters." She was greeted by SEVEN kids at her door. She came back in and was going to try to think up something to give them (I should have told her to offer the duck) but I'm pretty sure she sent them away empty handed. Oh Judith, you would absolutely love her if you knew her. She's a 90 year old woman with a sharper mind than me. Quite spry as well. When we walked into her living room I sat Clare on the floor and Judith, in one swift move, was sitting on the floor with not a hint as to any ailment she felt on the way down. My one big bummer was that I was so busy chatting with her that I didn't think to get the camera out to take pictures. We'll just have to go visit her again. Maybe I'll bring her a better duck.

After Judith's we headed out to Ehren and Ester's so that they could say they had at least one trick-or-treater (it's a depressing show if you live in the country). Then we headed back to my parents who had had just as sad of a turn out. We are now nibbling frequently on fruit snacks and tootsie rolls...I really like tootsie rolls...

...I went and got a tootsie roll.

Random Conversations

I have a new goal of trying to write down the cute little things that Sage and Clare say and do since I have no grand illusions of being able to recall them when I'm 70 (let alone two days from now). This first installation of hopefully many knee-slapping funny stories, is a conversation I overheard Sage having with her Nana. I actually first wrote it down in an email to Brent. I hope you enjoy it at least a fraction as much as we did.

Nana: "What are you doing Sage?"
Sage: "I'm a ballerina."

Sage twirls around and around.

Sage: "I'm dancing. Whoa!"
Nana: "You're going to be very dizzy."
Sage: "I'm a crazy dancer ever."
Nana: "You are a crazy dancer!"
Sage: "Crazy dance! Crazy dance!"

Now in Nana's bed.
Sage: "Time to go to bedtime."
Nana: "Are you going to bed now?"
Sage: "...very crabby."
Nana: "Who is crabby?"
Sage: "Everyone is crabby."
Nana: "Everyone is crabby? Hey, speak for yourself! Is mommy crabby?"

No answer.