Clare Bear is One

My little Clare, you are now one years old and my heart hurts a little when I think what being one means. When you're one you have lots to do and so much to explore and many things to learn that no longer will you have time to take little naps on Mommy and Daddy's chest or find delight only in our faces as we tell you how much we love you. Now you are determined to find everything in the house that you've never seen before leaving us with only seconds to give you a quick hug before you insist on being put down to go explore some more. You are learning to be independent and strong on your own--and while I'm thrilled that you want to do these things, I'm a bit sad at the thought of my little cling-on detaching herself from me.

One year of your life has passed and with great relief I can say that you were a wonderful baby. Oh, there were the difficult moments that every parent of a baby goes through and definitely nights where I felt like I would never get to see my pillow again; but then you would give me that beautiful smile or hold on to me as tightly as I held you, making all those long nights or days softly slip away.

In just one year we have learned so much about your big personality. You know what you want and have a great determination to get it. You give passion to everything you do, including the intensity of your frustration. At one you are already starting to stick up for yourself with your big sister which I'm relieved about because she is much bigger than you and you are going to need the feistiness in your little body to keep up with her. You are quite dramatic, to the point that a stranger will be certain that you were physically injured when really they just got close to you without you giving them permission. You have some fears but will let them go given enough proof that they're not really that scary. My biggest and most favorite part of you is the pot of joy inside of you that bubbles over every day. It's like you were given extra sprinkles of happiness to be shared with everyone around you and when you do, you have the ability to make the grumpiest person in the world smile. Such a little girl with such a big heart.

Your birthday was a wonderful time for us because your Daddy was able to schedule his leave to be home for your special day. Grandpa Buck, Grandma Jane, Nana and Papa were all there to celebrate with us and to watch you devour your birthday cake. About your cake, I'm very sorry but the Care Bear cake that I was trying to make completely fell apart and Daddy and Papa had to go buy a cake (which was very tasty and thank you for saving the day) from the grocery store. Papa had the great idea to ask if the bakery had any Care Bear stuff for the cake and bless their hearts, they did. I vow to make it up to you and make you that cake sometime soon as well as give you stellar cakes on your birthdays to come. You had a great time playing with the balloons and opening your presents but no doubt, your favorite part was eating the cake and decorating your face and hair with it. In spite of my loser cake, it was a fun day and you were so adorable.

We love you so much Bear and are so thankful that God chose us to be your parents. You have blessed us more than we could ever have imagined. We are so proud to call you our daughter. Happy Birthday Sweetheart.

Chia Legs

Calling all mother of babies and toddlers! Here is an brilliant idea for a learning experience for your child that is both entertaining and will not cost you a penny. It's quite easy actually, just refrain from picking up the razor and let your leg hair grow as nature intended it to. When your pants begin to catch on your new growth, you are then ready to sit down with your child and let them delight themselves in the fun texture of your calves. You will laugh with your child as she discovers a whole new world of prickly legs. Enhance her experience by showing her rubbing one direction is smooth while the other is scratchy. Hint: Have a stuffed animal nearby so that you can show the difference between soft hair and porcupine hair. You are guaranteed hours of entertainment for your child at no cost to you. Plus, you can take this toy anywhere! So start now! Supplies are not limited!

Brought to you by the Mothers of One Minute Showers.

A Good Workout

I woke up determined to do one thing: put my running shoes on and have some serious run time on the treadmill. It's been a crazy, emotional roller coaster ride these past few weeks with coming back to Omaha, picking Brent up at the airport five days later and then bringing him back yesterday to say goodbye for another five months. There was a desperation in me to run my legs off and hash it all out. This has become more than a physical conditioning for my body, now it's a "throw your gloves on" deep cleansing of my soul and I already know that today is going to be a long run with all the stuff I need to sort out with God.

The first minutes are always like a dog tearing out the door after being cooped up inside all day. I've got my ishuffle cued to today's choices of Sara Groves songs and as always the lyrics serve like a person adding their wise observations to a conversation as I let my mind wander over the beautiful two weeks we had with Brent. There, of course, are memories too private to share and then their are the ones too precious not to. Like Sage skipping into the airport, chatting away about going to find Daddy and then the smile on her face as she shyly walked into his arms with no intentions of ever being let go of and not a single word left to say. Or Clare being at a water park and so overwhelmed by all the sights and sounds but the moment Brent came into view she screams out "DADA!" like she knew who was suppose to protect her.

I'm feeling great. Maybe I'll add minutes to this run today.

This goodbye was different then last time. I told Brent that the best way that I could describe how it feels to send my husband into a country where there are men at any corner who would give their lives end his is this: I'm standing on the shore of a frozen lake with my hands tied, mouth gagged and eyes blindfolded, knowing that Brent is on that lake walking over it hour after hour, day after day; and also knowing that there are parts of that lake where the ice is so thin he would be certain to fall through. If he did, I would not be able to help him and since I cannot see or hear him, I wouldn't even know it had happened until someone lifted that blindfold off my eyes. It took everything in me to let him go and watch his uniform disappear through the doors of the airport.

My knee is hurting a bit...weird. I read something that knee problems in runners can come from the runner turning their feet in when they step (I'm not even sure if I do that) so maybe I'll try focusing on the way I plant my foot...what do you know, it seems to help. I think the pain is going away.

I think I've been purposely avoiding the reality of where he is. No CNN, no FOX news, nothing. I wanted to avoid all reports of terrorist activities and live in the idea that it was relatively safe where Brent is. Brent's camera wasn't working either so I wasn't even getting pictures from him either. But then he came home and there were the less than expected conditions that he is living in and traveling in and not to mention, the time I slipped and watched a report of a suicide bomber in southern Afghanistan and listened as the Taliban claimed responsibility and promised more attacks in that area. That area...southern Afghanistan...where Brent is. My Brent, my most favorite person in the whole world, the man I want to laugh with and love for the rest of my life, the father of our sweet and innocent little girls. I know they just want to drive fear into us and well, I'm sorry but they have succeeded in scaring me. How am I suppose to be okay with this? How do I just sit here for the next five months waiting to see how it all pans out?

I think I started out too fast. My side is hurting now. I know if I focus on my breathing it will get better. This is not the wall, I will not stop for just this. I'll just breathe.

We keep saying that God has a purpose for us in all of this and things that He wants to show us and teach us. So I guess now would be a good time to start looking for today's lesson. In an instant the angels are flapping their wings again. I had been praying for God's angels to protect Brent and the men there and I all of sudden remembered that I'm not completely helpless...okay, okay, I know that when I'm relying on God to be my strength I'm never helpless. But the Bible talks a lot about angels and how many times they were used to bring messages and warnings and also to protect people. I figure they must be much more intimidating than any army we've got so, "Lord, send your strongest angels. Let them stand as a barrier between Brent and these men whose only mission in being there is to help the people of Afghanistan."

Pain is gone but the run isn't going as easy as I thought it would be. I won't be adding minutes to this run but I know I will finish it. Sage is running around in circles by me while Clare's taking her nap. I hope that as they grow up they get something out of being around us while we work out. I hope they will want to live healthy lives.

Two eyes, one pair green and often found in a look of deep contemplation as she figures out the workings of her world and the other blue and so ready to smile at what she knows in her young one year of life. They flash in my mind and all of a sudden I know that this journey, this difficult road is not only about what I can learn but also about what I can teach them.

My knee is hurting again and this time the way I step my foot isn't going to help it. I know I should probably stop to prevent injury but I can't, not now. I need to finish this run.

Brent said the one thing that gets him through this is knowing that if something did happen to him that I would be alright because my faith in Jesus would get me through it. I feel a certainty in that too but right now I need Jesus to get me through today. I need to let Him take this fear and hold it for me so that I can be the mother He wants me to be for my girls. I need to let Him take over so that one day they can look back and know that the One I live for was the one who stepped up to the plate to take Brent's spot of support and reassurance to me through this whole time. This may be the greatest lesson I'll ever teach them and it will not be by my words but by the way I live right now, this moment and the moments to come. Now is not the time to give up and sit on the couch every day, throwing pity parties for myself. I want them to know that choosing Jesus doesn't mean you get a free pass from all the hard stuff in life but that when you do, He's there to see you through it. He wants to be our peace. He wants to hold us and comfort us when it seems we're hanging by a thread. The bonus is that when we draw ourselves so close to Him, He makes us more like Him. I pray that someday they will see God in all of this too.

I'm literally hobbling along now. I know I'm going to pay for this later and that I've let this battle inside me morph out onto the treadmill but I can't stop. I have to finish this run.

I focus my eyes for the hundredth time on the sign Brent hung for me to have in my line of sight as inspiration for these kinds of workouts. It's that war sign with the words "We Can Do It" over a woman flexing her arm. Today the "We" is Brent and myself and in my heart I hear the words "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength."

"...Christ who gives me strength."

"...strength."


I finish my run.

I will be back tomorrow.