Dear Sage

It's taken me a bit to sit down and write you a birthday letter but at least my reason for being late is a good one in that we have been busy hosting guests, celebrating Thanksgiving, decking the house for Christmas and celebrating snow days together. Now that the dust has settled I wanted to take the time to share with you the memories of this last year so you'll always have a glimpse at what you were like at three.

Last year we sent Dad off to "the desert" and headed up north to stay with Nana and Papa for three months and during that time we celebrated your third birthday up there with all the grandparents. A week later you were in the pediatric ICU after accidentally swallowing one of Grandma's medications. To date that was the scariest time of my life. But you were fine and made the most of your visit there by requesting popsicle after popsicle from the kind nurses. We made it through the 30 below winter in Minnesota to come back to Omaha in January and enjoy a week with Daddy on his leave from deployment. You and Clare started going back to Tina's for two day's a week so I could get a little break which you were totally on board for as there were mornings you were practically shoving me out her door. In June we waited anxiously at the airport for Daddy's plane to arrive and bring back the man we had missed so much. It took a few months for you to fully accept him back into the fold--I think a big struggle for you was that you felt like you were betraying me in letting yourself enjoy him and allowing him to do many of the little things that only Mom had been doing for the last year. You worked your way through that though and now Daddy is something of a rock star in our home and everyday when he comes home from work and walks through the door you and Clare morph into a cheering squad complete with screams and big jumps. I'm pretty sure your Dad is just as excited to see you too. This was a year of firsts for you; first swimming lessons, dance class and first year of preschool. With each of these events you have blossomed more and more and are growing into your own little person, becoming brave enough to have a voice in the world around you.

I must say that three was much, MUCH better than two. Oh, there were moments (and still are) when every ounce of my self restraint was tested in resisting the urge to lock you in your room for a week, but the difference between two and three was that you wanted to understand so badly the reasons for the limits we put around you and once they sunk in you gladly followed them and usually would preach them to us for a week and also try your hardest to instill them into Clare.

This was the year of discovery in all things pink and princess. Your poor Dad is daily stifling feelings of nauseousness. There isn't a day that goes by in which we don't find you doing some kind of funky fairy dance--which led us to enrolling you in ballet classes. We can't get enough of watching you dance in class. There are curtains over the windows so that the kids aren't distracted by seeing their parents but we found a window outside that we can peek into. It's a bit cold but so worth it. You have a smile on your face the entire class and you do pretty well at following the teacher but every once in a while the dance bug hits you and you break out into your own dance complete with jumps, spins and wiggles.

There is a soft spot in your heart for animals and the major theme to your play at home is gathering various stuffed animals in the house and tucking them into bed. Your self therapy is still acted out here in that one animal is usually struggling in one of the disciplines that you yourself are trying to master at that time. There are never less than three animals that you are taking care of which makes me wonder at the number of kids you will have someday! This play is always done exclusively and a sharp objection is usually issued should someone try to join you.

Your two best friends are still Sara and Abby and it's because of them that we sent you to preschool this year--a year earlier than planned. This will be the only time when you will be in the same class as them and we felt that adapting to school would be much easier for you if you could do it with your friends there. So far this has proven true. Again, your overexcited parents are curious about what you do at school and we're often told "No more questions!" but you seem to be loving school and your teachers. I'm just amazed at how much you've changed in the few months you've been at school and the confidence you've gained from it.

This year for your birthday party you requested, of course, a princess party. So we invited Sara and Abby to go with you to get mini-manicures and then we headed to our house where the dining room had been transformed into a castle complete with a dining table just the perfect size for little princesses. You were beyond excited about the decor, so much so that the minute Sara and Abby arrived you started yelling "Sara! Abby! We have decorations! Come see our decorations!" I had a lot of fun making a castle cake for you and the effort it took was well worth it when you told me it was the best cake EVER.

In one year you have grown into this curious preschooler with definite tastes and preferences. There is a sensitivity about you that surprises us at times. Only the happy parts are watched when we play one of your movies, all the other parts that include hurt feelings, sadness, mean villains or scary sea lions that are trying to catch a cute penguin with dancing feet (name that movie) are skipped. One night I spent a half hour answering your questions of why Mordecai would try to hurt queen Ester and her family after watching the Veggie Tales version of the story. The next half hour was spent reassuring you that there was no such thing as an island of perpetual tickling. To best explain this side of you I have one last story to share and it's by far my favorite. One day we decided to make cookies for Dad to take with him on his hunting trip. As you were on about your third spoonful of cookie dough, I said "Sage, do you know what these cookies are called? Monster cookies." Your whole body froze and a panicked look came over your face. With a convinced voice you told me "No! They are NOT monster cookies. I don't like monster cookies." "Yes Sage," I said, "they are monster cookies and I think you do like them judging by the amount of cookie dough you've eaten." Again she insisted "No, they are not monster cookies...they are happy monster cookies." I chuckled and agreed with you that they must be, in fact, happy monster cookies. Later we were in the car and I was telling the story to your Dad of how the new name of the cookies had come to be and when I finished he asked you "Did you make me happy monster cookies?" You immediately yelled from the back "NO! They are not monster cookies!" Dad said "I know, they're happy monster cookies, right?" to which you replied "No! They are not happy monster cookies...they're Jesus cookies." That's my girl!

Celebrating Fall....Uh, I Mean Winter...I Mean...

What a surprise to wake up to a few inches of snow last Saturday! In Minnesota this would not be such a shock but in Nebraska? Really?! Sage's reaction was the typical excitement from a kid her age and the expected question "Can we go play in it?" She handled my reply of "Sweetheart, we don't play in the snow at 7 in the morning. Let's go make Mommy's coffee first," quite well actually. Clare on the other hand got huge eyes and stared out the window in complete shock...and then started crying. When we finally did make it outside she was determined to not step foot out the door but once I plopped her in the snow she was hooked. We built this snowman before their afternoon naps and by the time they woke up the snowman's head had fallen off from all the melting. Have no fear though, with my super mom powers I was able to convince them that a head falling off there darling snowman was funny. The snow has since melted away to reveal the still bright green grass underneath and next Monday they are predicting temperatures in the 70's and we will go back to celebrating the fall foliage and picking pumpkins. But for us this little foretaste of winter has brought some excitement for all the fun that's to be had when the temperature drops. Maybe unpredictable weather can sometimes be a good thing.

Time with Family

Last weekend was such a treat for us when my brother, Ehren, and his wife, Ester, came with their children to visit us. More visitors arrived Monday after Ehren and Ester left, when Brent's dad, Bruce, and stepmom, Jane, stopped by for a couple days on one of their "circle tours" to see their kids and grandchildren. With our anniversary thrown in the midst of that too, it was four very fun filled days and it has taken me this long to regain the energy I need to sit down and think my way through this post!

We always have so much fun when Ehren and Ester visit. They are so layed back and yet are always up to trying something new. We mixed things up this time by nixing the usual zoo trip and instead went to Fontenelle Forest and meandered on the boardwalk through the forest while on the lookout for dinosaurs on exhibit right now. I'm not sure what the older kids liked better, the dinosaurs or racing strollers...with little kids in them. Ah yes, the lovely walk on a quaint wooden trail... the surrounding views of streams and deep cliffs covered in foliage...the lurching of your body over the side rail to avoid being run down by a crazy red head pushing a stroller with two little girls laughing their heads off as they race in break neck speeds on to the next innocent bystander. From the looks they were receiving, I thought it best to look innocent and put a good 20-100 feet behind me and the racing stroller.

The best part of being with Ehren and Ester (with any of my brother's families for that matter) is watching the kids play. When I was in high school and Ester was our exchange student, I was horrified by the budding romance between them. I think my opinion went something like "My college age brother with a girl who is a year younger than me? Eeeewwww, grosss!" Fortunately, nobody listened to me and during college I came to my senses and realized that if Ehren married Ester, I would get to have one of my dearest and closest friends be a part of all the major and minor events in life and I would get to be a part of hers. I remember being in my dorm room in college while she was visiting and saying to her, "Our kids will be cousins!" I think about that every time I'm enjoying these precious children play.

These are pictures taken in the forest and also the only time the camera was taken out during both visits. It's a problem I have when I'm enjoying the company so much that I forget all about capturing the moment.


The making of a band featuring Kade, Anika and Sage. Special performance of interpretive dance by Ester.



Love this picture. Kason was so tired and this was the only place that was good enough for him to be content.



Ehren did his best to carry some of the weight for Ester but even this would not do.



I want Brent to build this tree house. It was so Swiss Family Robinson like.

Ehren and Ester headed home Monday and Bruce and Jane pulled into town that afternoon. Since it was our anniversary, Bruce and Jane were sweet enough to stay with the girls that night so Brent and I could go out and celebrate. We ate really, really good food but maybe a bit too much of it because the next morning we were still full and had to ask Bruce and Jane if they would be willing to cancel plans to eat out that night so that our stomachs would be able to return to their normal size. Fortunately, they were okay with that. Bruce spent the morning at the zoo with Sage while Jane, Clare and I supported the local economy. Poor Brent had to work. The evening was topped off with a light meal...okay, kind of light until we got to dessert and had a divine blueberry coffee cake that Jane had made. She said she was going to bring some slices with them to have on the road but heh, heh, heh, they forgot and we got to eat the rest ourselves. :) Again, a very nice visit and the girls absolutely loved getting to spend time with their grandparents.

Both Brent and I felt so guilty for all the food we indulged in that we both ran over six miles the next day and have done several other workouts since. It was soooo worth it though.

Cuddle time

There is this perfect moment right before Clare's bedtime when she is just tired enough that if you gather her into your lap she snuggle in, sticks a thumb in her mouth while the other hand reaches back to gently pinch an ear. We had such a moment the other night while all four of us were outside playing around. Brent and Sage were off to catch crickets and beetles while Clare and I cuddled on our two person swing. We swayed in the breeze with my arms wrapped around her, feeling her body completely relax in the rocking motion. There is a silent agreement between the two of us that we could stay in this swing forever. I remember having these same moments with Sage when she was that age. It's the feeling of being in as perfect a moment as you can get this side of Heaven. In that moment I try and memorize every detail of my surroundings, the feeling of holding her so tightly, the overwhelming amount of love I have for her right then so that I can remember it for the rest of my life. I want to remember for the inevitable time to come when she is too busy or too big to cuddle with her mother or maybe for those times when she's not quite as endearing :) These moments are at the top of my list as one of my favorite things in being a mom.



As we sat I had this thought: is this what God feels when we completely surrender to him? When we quit running around, distracted and in non-stop motion and take a moment to sit in his lap? When we stop trying to do everything "all by myself" and allow His arms to surround us as we allow ourselves to completely relax in His care? Does He hold us in His arms, relishing in the love He has for us? Then I began to wonder when the last time was that I totally, absolutely chose to sit quietly in His presence and felt His peace be enough and everything to me. I say it and think it all the time that I need to stop worrying or trying to control things that are beyond me and just hand them over to God and trust...sounds good but honestly, I usually don't hand it all over. I hold just enough in my hands to feel like I'm not about to free fall into unknown territory. Instead of letting my body go limp and breathing in the knowledge of His love and care for me, I keep my back straight while I sit with Him, watching for any sudden movement that would compel me to stand up and leave that comfortable spot. I'm thankful for these moments when He shows me a new glimpse of His love and I resounded that night, as Clare and I swayed in contented bliss, to make more time to sit with my Father and let Him hold me for as long as it takes for me to not want to be anywhere else.

Proud Mama

Monday was a big day for Sage. It was her first day of preschool and I am happy to say that her mother did not break down in tears when she handed her precious little blond haired girl into the care of her teacher nor did she lose it when driving away. It's only because I know that Sage will be going to preschool another year after this before heading off to kindergarten which enables me to look at her two and a half hours, three days a week as more of an educational social outing rather than my Sagers making a step away from her dependence on us.

I feel it's important for me to describe her attire since we were too absent minded to remember to take pictures but then again, who ever remembers to take pictures when walking out the door to an educational social outing? Her choice of "first day of school outfit" was a long, green corduroy circle skirt with purple and pink polka dots and a white t-shirt with pink jacket which coordinated perfectly with her hello kitty backpack. One of the first things she told me when I picked her up at the end of school was that another girl had on the same shoes as her so apparently the day was not without drama!

Brent was able to go to work late so he could also witness this special day and he took it upon himself to get her bathed and dressed that morning. When he was trying to get her into her clothes she told him that she wanted to wear her pajamas to which, of course, he informed her that pajamas would be a major fashion no-no on her first day of school--maybe in high school kids would receive such a statement in a more open minded way but definitely not in preschool. Her response was to bolt out of the room. Brent thought she was heading downstairs to find me for a second opinion so he finished getting ready himself. On his way downstairs he passed the office and saw Sage, still in her underwear, sulking on the chair. He asked what was wrong and she said "I feel nervous." Ugh...doesn't that just tug your heart? They had the thorough discussion on why she didn't have to worry and how much fun she was about to have and before long, the two came downstairs and Sage was ready to get dressed. When we got to the school and waited in the line of cars to drop her off, I let Sage out of her seat and had her sit up front with me. She has this habit of talking gibberish in a happy tone when she's uncomfortable or nervous as was the case that morning, but we could tell as well that she was excited to find her friends and see what this whole school thing was about. Our turn finally came and as her teacher opened the door and greeted us, Sage belted out, "Hi Mrs. Hart!!" and off she went with hardly a look back. As we watched this precious girl of ours who suddenly looked so much older with a backpack on, make her way to the class I turned to Brent and said "I'm so proud of her." So much pride. No sentimental tears or worries over how the morning would go for her...just the wonder of watching Sage be able to identify a fear and work her way through it so bravely. Oh...I love her so much.

This morning was the second day of school and once again she was a bit nervous but not quite as much. She seems to like it so far and especially loves the part of getting to see her best friends Sara and Abbie. Clare and I are soaking up this rare time with just the two of us but that time does not go by without her asking "Er's Sage?" (where's Sage?) at least a half dozen times. I've always relished the thought that I (and Brent too) get to be our children's first teacher so it's both a little strange and exciting to be sending Sage off to what I suppose is her second teacher. No qualms though, her teacher is really cool and is very open to Sage's introverted ways. :) So I guess we're officially entering the world of show and tell, class trips, fears of head lice and the scramble to find the perfect snack food for an entire class. It's all so much fun (minus the head lice fears) and I'm completely savoring this special time in her life.

O Canada!

Two weeks ago Brent and I left the girls with my parents so week could take a four day fishing trip up to Canada. We drove up to a small town called Minaki and then took a 20 minute ride on a float plane to Long Lake where we stayed in the only cabin on this lake. No roads, no people, no Starbucks. Just the sounds of nature, the company of my husband and absolute serenity. It was probably the most calming and relaxing trip I have ever been on.

This is a view from the float plane at one of the many lake systems in that area.






Our cabin with gazebo ran mainly on solar energy but there was also a generator if we needed it.






The view off our deck.





Another view from the deck. Seriously, it was so beautiful to me that I could have just sat and stared for hours.








Of course, our main reason for going there was to fish. There were actually three lakes for us to fish on, the other two we had to portage (hike through the forest) to where there were boats waiting for us. It's been a rainy and cold season up there this year and the third lake, Marvin, we were told was impossible to get to because of water, mud and fallen trees covering the trail. We didn't seem to hear that part though, because both of us were stuck on the info that the biggest walleye were in this little lake. So on the last day there, with thunderstorms lurking around us, we decided to get a little adventurous and see if we could make it to Marvin. Let me just say at this point that I did not have rain boots...only old tennis shoes. The warnings of mud, water and fallen trees proved true and then some. The path often disappeared from us completely and we would wander around some until one of us would pick it up again. Did I mention that there are bears wandering around up there? I must say that it was quite a rush to make our way over trees, cut our way through brush and hop over small creaks. At one point I even got in touch with my gymnastic roots and walked, balance-beam-like, on a tree that had fallen over a creek we needed to cross. There were many times that we stopped and questioned our sanity in continuing on that trek but sheer stubbornness always seemed to win out. The excitement of finally making it to Marvin Lake was deflated when we saw the boat half filled with rain water and only one small pail to bail it out, not to mention some dark, purplish, clouds also heading our way. The only thing to do was bail that water as fast as Brent (bummer, only one pail) could and call the drizzle a nice break from the heat.

What's that you say? Turn around? Head back before the rain comes and lightning strikes? Who would do a thing like that? You city folk.

With the boat bailed we head out and drop our lines as fast as possible. It's a race between us and the thunderclouds to see what strikes first...lightning or a walleye. Then I feel it...yep that's a bite...SET THE HOOK. I pull in a 19" incher and feel a sigh of relief that our insanity had rewarded us with at least one fish. We bummed around for another 10-15 minutes without bites until deciding that it was probably best to get off the lake and start making the trek back. Five minutes into our hike we lose the trail. This surprises me a bit since I had figured we could just follow our tracks back but unfortunately, this was a place where we had lost the trail on the way there and all we have to follow are our confused steps that were taken on trying to find it. Finally I spot the trail and we head off again. Five minutes later and we're right back at Marvin Lake. I start to see visions of search parties finding us half eaten by mosquitoes and eating slugs to stave off the hunger pains. Thank goodness for modern technology and Brent's wisdom in bringing his GPS with us. By the time we make it back to the start of the portage the storm has passed over us and we are drenched and muddy but with a glow of triumph on our faces for accomplishing what was said couldn't be done. Normal people might head back to the cabin and get out of the sopping wet clothes to take a nice, hot shower but us crazies felt the only appropriate next move was to stay on the lake and fish for another hour or two.

It rained every day we were there except the first day but thanks to rain gear, we still fished quite a bit. We were allowed to keep two walleye per person each day for eating...and eat it we did. Brent made the most wonderful meals while we were there and just thinking about it now makes my mouth water. He made the classic fried walleye, walleye grilled with dill, butter and onions, walleye chowder (my personal favorite) and grilled walleye smothered with cheese, onions and mushrooms. Ooooohhhh, it was so yummy.








In case you were wondering, which I'm sure you weren't, it was the fisherWOMAN that caught the most fish and the biggest. Just thought I'd throw that out there.

I'll leave you with this picture and story. This was the only stinker (literally) of the trip. Masked in all that lush green beauty and quaint boardwalk stands the outhouse. Now, I'm all for roughing it but let's get real here, these things are gross...I mean eeewwww...gross. Whenever I had to make the quick dash out there, I cautiously made Jason Bourne-like scans through the woods to make sure there were no bears lurking about, waiting to make their surprise attack. On one such mission I caught some movement in the brush. My keen senses told me it probably wasn't a bear but maybe a rabid skunk or porcupine. Fortunately I had stopped next to the open window to the kitchen where Brent was standing so I loudly whispered to him, "Brent, you have to come out here. There some kind of critter in the woods." He nonchalantly comes out, asks me where it was, walks directly to where I'm pointing and laughs. Turned out it was a sweet little rough grouse. In my defense, when I got up for a closer look it glared me down in a very vicious, cute sort of way.

So Happy Together

It's funny how time seems to change. I know that one second is always the same length of time and that one minute will always consist of 60 seconds but somehow, I can't wrap my head around how fast these last four weeks have went when two months ago, four weeks had seemed an eternity.

We had a countdown on the fridge that had been up since 24 weeks left of Brent's deployment and it was at 6 weeks remaining that I started having Sage pull off the page every Thursday to help her get excited for her Daddy's return. When Brent was within days of his arrival we headed to the mall so the girls could pick out whichever dress they wanted to wear to the airport. Sage picked a pink sundress with red, white and green trim and the perfect amount of puffiness while Clare picked a halter dress with stripes all over in the same colors as Sage. We were literally doing happy dances around the house in our excitement of seeing Brent. Finally, the day we had been waiting a year for arrived. He was scheduled to get in at 2pm so we spent the morning getting balloons to fill the house with and bunting to hang on the bushes. We decorated the yard with patriotic crafts we had made and hung a sign on the tailgate of his truck that read "Welcome Home Brent. We love you and are so proud of you. Love Ingrid, Sage and Clare." (Huge thanks to buildasign.com who gives away banners worth over $40 to welcome home returning troops) We got the butterfly cookies that Sage had picked out to make for this day all laid out and ready to eat when we got back from the airport. While part of this was done to welcome Brent home, my main goal was to make it a big deal for the girls. I guess I thought that if we made this day really fun and exciting to them then it would help them understand and transition better into the world where Daddy is home and that they now have two parents again to love them and take care of them.

We got to the airport at 1:45pm only to find out that his flight was delayed and would not be arriving until 2:36pm. Oh well, no big deal. We waited this long, what's another half hour. The tricky part was that neither of the girls had had their afternoon naps but I figured if I could keep them entertained then the meltdowns could possibly be avoided. So we watched planes which was a huge hit except for the fact that poor Sage thought every plane she saw was Daddy's. Clare visited with a nice elderly lady and her granddaughter for awhile until she got bored and start looking for opportunities to make a break for it. So we headed to this nice long hall that runs the length of the airport and is never crowded and the girls ran and ran and ran. Finally, at 2:25pm we made our way to the security checkpoint to plop ourselves down and watch for Brent. Five minutes turn into ten...then fifteen...then twenty. Yep, we've officially lost it. Sage has been saying every two minutes "Oh, I think he's here. Daddy's coming!" and I'm praying the whole time that she's right but now she's angry that he's not shown up yet. Clare is wanting nothing to do with sitting and waiting and is struggling to make it back to that nice hall which I would have been fine with but I have no idea when Brent is going to appear because the arrival time of his plane still says 2:36pm. Both of them are tired, crabby and on the verge of full out tantrums worthy enough to alert security and let's be honest, I would probably be throwing a fit myself. Not wanting to be the person everyone feels sorry for who fell flat on her face just short of the finish line and lost the race, I run to the nearest gift shop and frantically buy the first snack foods I can find: teddy grahams and gummy worms. Worked like a charm and I have no shame about it. At 3:15pm word is spreading that his plane had landed and we see the first passengers from his plane heading towards us. At this point the girls are acting like they could care less while my heart is about to beat out of my chest. Then I see him.

He's looking for us and has the biggest smile on his face when he sees us. Sage's smile matches his from cheek to cheek and is holding her arms out long before we reach him. She wraps her arms around him and does not stop hugging him nor does the smile leave her face until we eventually reach our car. Clare is not sure what to think about Brent and buries her face into my shoulder the first ten minutes until she decides that he must be a good thing and starts making shy smiles at him. The thing I remember the most about our reunion is that there was no happy screams or jumping up and down, just quiet joy and smiles mixed with tears (from me of course). I had brought my camera and had had many opportunities where I could have asked someone to take pictures of us in that moment of greeting each other but once I was there waiting but it just never felt right. When I talked about that later with Brent, he was relieved as well that there wasn't an outside intrusion of pictures being snapped and that the moment was kept private for us to cherish.

I didn't know if we would get that day. Neither of us were certain that he would be coming back alive so to say that I'm grateful to God is such an understatement that it almost seems insulting. I can't think of the fears I had for his safety without choking out tears which is, of course, what I'm doing right now and probably why it's taken me this long to write on the blog since he's been home. It's been a wonderful, peaceful, joy filled and healing four weeks. As hard as that time was when he was away, I'm thankful for the ways it has made both of us grow. I am married to a great man who is still able to amaze me daily after almost seven years of marriage. I love him and cherish him so much and can't see there ever being a day where I don't look at him and think about how great it is to be his wife and to know and love him. I will never take for granted this time we have together nor will I ever take for granted those who have made the ultimate sacrifice for our country. There is a whole new group of troops that have stepped in to replace Brent and his team and what they face now is even more dangerous than when Brent left. We need to remember them and never stop praying for their safety.

Brent is doing great and is back to work now. The boxes of his stuff that he had mailed home from Afghanistan have, thankfully, stopped arriving and our house has recovered from the onslaught of army fatigues. It's taken awhile for the girls to realize that Mommy will no longer be attending to all their needs and while they are still working that one out, it's gotten much better. These days, nothing is more beautiful to me than watching the girls giggle and play with their Dad.

I just want to thank everyone who got us through this time with your support and prayers. Every prayer lifted up was heard and will bless us for the rest of our lives. We want to especially thank our parents, this was just as hard on all of you and yet you still encouraged and loved us through it all. Mom and Dad, thank you for letting the girls and I crash for literally months at your place and for suffering with a pleasant face through all my healthy food experiments. You guys and Ehren and Ester were a safe haven for me through that time and gave me the renewal I needed to make it through to the end. Bev, thank you for all the packages of gifts sent to the girls, they were like treasure boxes for the girls to open and were so much fun for them. Bruce and Jane, thank you for your visits and for always taking the time to play with the girls while insisting that I got a break whenever we were together. I was so touched that you spent the time making sure that I had a mother's day gift made by Sage and it is a flower pot I will always treasure.

I am reveling in living a life of normalcy right now and looking forward to some fun stuff we have planned over the next year. Our next adventure starts this Sunday when we leave the girls with my parents and go on a four day fishing trip in Canada. WHOOO HOOOOOO!

The Home Stretch

Thank the Lord, this is almost over! Brent has been given a fly out date of July 10th but there is a rumor going around that they may send him on the 4th and then it will probably take a week to get home. I cannot begin to tell you how excited I am. I have packed our days full in effort to make the days go by faster. I think it's kind of working but it's also making me exhausted. The other night as I was tucking Sage into bed she asked "What's tomorrow?" As in, "what unnecessary outing do you have planned for us tomorrow that you feel you must strap us into the car yet again, drive us for who knows how long, only to endure another afternoon of hearing you ask us 'Isn't this FUN?'" Don't tell them but this weekend is the LaVista Days in which we will be embracing in full carnival spirit and next weekend is Papillion Days which I hear is even better than the LaVista Days AND there is a kiddie parade in the morning! YEAH!!!

In the meantime, I am nesting. Seriously, it's worse than when I was pregnant with either of the girls and going through that phase. I'll put it to you this way: The other day I decided that I needed to scrub and vacuum the inside of the car out (it really did need it) so that we could have a nice, squeaky clean car to bring Brent home in. Then I realized that we were bringing dirt into my nice, squeaky clean car from the dirty, grungy garage floor. So what do I do? I spend half of my day away from the girls while they play at Tina's, cleaning out the garage. We're talking haul everything out, wipe it down, clean the floor and reorganize the entire garage. People, I swept the wheels of the lawn mower for goodness' sake! My whole rationalization behind this madness is that I want all these little jobs done before Brent gets home so that we don't have to even think of doing them and are able to sit together as a family for hours upon hours, basking in each others presence.

Next up, clean out the kitchen cabinets then wash all the windows inside and out and then I should have just enough time to tile the kitchen floor.

Celebrating May Day

Hoping to start a new tradition, we embarked on the age old tradition of May Day baskets. Most Mom's probably have their kids sit down to an elaborate craft time where paper flowers are cut and glued together and then attached to piped cleaners after which the flowers are placed in the baskets that the mom hand weaved using the reeds she collected from the nature walk she took the kids on the day before. Since it's been a rainy week here we weren't able to get our nature walk in and thus had no weaved baskets on hand, I found some cute plants at the grocery store, had Sage glue a small flower cutout to a larger one, wrote Happy May Day on it and called it good.

The whole point of leaving a basket on someones doorstep is to ring the doorbell then hightail it out of there before getting caught, however, there is nothing fast in trying to herd a three year old and one year old around so this experience for them was more about a lesson in the joy in giving.

We had three plants to deliver. One to each of our neighbors and one to Tina, my friend who watches Sage and Clare twice a week and has had the most influence on me keeping my sanity while Brent is gone. The first neighbor is a couple who have a son-in-law themselves that is deployed. They are the kindest people who have looked over the house for us while we've been gone, shoveled the driveway for me this winter every time it snowed and basically have watched out for the girls and I while Brent has been gone. Turned out they weren't home when we rang their doorbell so we left the plant by their front door. It took a little convincing to get Sage to leave a plant by the door without actually giving it to anyone but eventually I was able to pull her away from it.

Our neighbors with three adorable girls all happened to be outside playing so their delivery was much more successful. They totally got a kick out of Sage giving them flowers and it was just what Sage needed to get really excited about delivering the next to plant. Sadly, there are no pictures of this transaction because I was busy coaching Sage through it and also keeping Clare from eating tulips and dirt.

Tina's house was next and this was the one Sage was most excited about...that may have been because she knew we were going to the zoo after we gave Tina her flowers.

They weren't home either.

I think it's safe to say that I got more out of this May day than the girls did. I knew the fun these people would have in finding flowers by their door but to Sage we were just running around leaving plants lying on the ground and Clare, well, she couldn't have cared less about what the mission was and spent most of her time playing with whatever rocks, dirt, grass or bugs that she could find. Does this mean we won't be making this day a tradition in the Barnstuble house? Absolutely NOT! Next year there will be weaved baskets, hand-cut paper grass to fill the baskets, sequined flowers, pipe cleaner bees....

Crash and Burn

The treadmill and I got up close and personal this week. The treadmill has been my main exercise machine for the last nine years. We've logged a lot of time together. I am not saying this in a bragging tone but so that you know that after this much time, it would be safe to say that I'm well versed in the safety measures one should take when using this effective machine. Apparently not.



Monday was interval training day where I run at 10mph for 30 seconds and the a light jog for a minute and then repeat this cycle 10 times. I was on the last seconds of my first 10mph when I heard something rubbing against the track. I hit the stop button and jumped to the side of the track. Now, when I say I hit the stop button, I need to be clear that the track doesn't just come to a dead stop but gradually slows itself to a halt in somewhere around 10 seconds. So, again, I hit the stop button, jump to the side of the track and also start to turn to look behind me to see what was making the noise. And this, my friends, is where all the common sense I had left my brain and went on vacation and mistake number one is made: my foot catches the track and my body is immediately thrown to the side and catapulted off the treadmill. Here is where mistake number two comes in and has actually been there since we moved into this house almost two years ago: the end of the treadmill is backed up right against a wall. What this means is that I was chucked off the treadmill only to be pinned up a against the wall so that the track (which, let me remind you, is slowing down from the speed of 10 mph) is now performing some major exfoliation on my leg and arm. The thoughts that are running through my mind during this harrowing escapade went something like this: "This is not good. I can't afford to get hurt. The team cannot afford to lose another player! This is NOT good!"

Finally the treadmill has slowed enough to the point where I can peel myself off of it only to then to be blind sided by the pain coming from my leg and arm. Bracing myself, I look down at my leg...ohhhhhh...that's not good. However, I will not be one of those wooses who let a minor injury like this stop me from finishing my workout. I'll just go upstairs, clean it off and then finish my run. Seriously, the brain cells have stopped functioning. I grab a dish towel and wet it and then start to blot and then...

...AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's at this point that I decide to go on sabbatical from my workouts for a week or two. And how about for good measure, any bending, stretching or flexing of my leg as well.

Now, five days later I can happily say that I'm able to bend the leg but it is essential to where loose fitting clothes. I'm tempted to take a picture of my wound to show to you but I fear it will horrify you to the extent that you would never want to come back to this blog again. I'll just tell you that when my brother was in 6th grade he suffered from severe 2nd and 3rd degree burns and this is nothing compared to that. He did, however, have skin grafts taken from other parts of his body to cover the burn and my wound looks like the places where they performed his skin grafts. Only my skin was not put to good use and is now lying in embedded streaks on the treadmill.

There are two things that I'm grateful for out of all this. One is that Sage was downstairs playing just out of view when it happened and never saw anything which is such a relief because I really think it could have seriously traumatized her. The second thing I'm grateful for is Neosporin. God bless you people who came up with it and also the people who came up with the generic and cheaper version as well since I've been going through this stuff like a banshee.

I'd like to think that my brain is now functioning normally (whatever that is, I'm not sure) but I guess we'll find out! Oh, and in case you were wondering, I looked to see what had been making that sound and it was a card from one of Sage's games. Hardly worth the pain but at least I wasn't hearing things. Right? Hey, I'll take whatever optimistic thoughts I can grab at this point.

Favorite Moments

The other day Sage asked if I would play dollhouse with her. This is a huge deal because playing dollhouse is like self therapy for Sage where she works out all the dilemmas that life throws at her. Issues like staying in bed until it's time to get up or sharing with Clare are all played out everyday with the dolls appropriately named Mommy, Daddy, Sage and Clare. There is also a Grandpa Buck (because the doll is bald), a Grandma Jane and a little boy who is sometimes cousin Kade and sometimes her friend, Gideon. So I really felt like being asked to join her was like an invitation into a very sacred world...or the part of a therapy session where the mother is brought in to be blamed for all the issues the child has. Hoping to come out this unscathed, I let her lead the way in playing out what the characters are up to that day. She decides that I will play with the Daddy doll and she will have Mommy, Sage and Clare. This is already interesting.

Quietly I hold the Daddy, waiting to see what inner struggle will come out. She walks the Mommy up to Daddy and says in the sweetest voice "Hi! I love you!" Then the Mommy plants a big, loud kiss on Daddy.

This is the part of therapy where the mother is trying to control her tears as to prevent further trauma to her child.

Of course, being the willing playmate to Sage, I offer in my best Daddy voice, "I love you too and I missed you! You are so beautiful. The fairest of all! Now that I'm home I will see to it that your delicate hands will never wipe a poopy butt again!"

Later, while sharing this story with Brent, I told him how touched and actually relieved I was that in spite of his absence, this is how Sage sees her parents relationship. Ever the romantic, Brent's reply was "Yeah, better than having the parents beat each other up."

Note to self: when Brent gets home he is NOT allowed to play dollhouse with Sage.

Welcome Spring!

Don't tulips just make you smile? The rabbits have been quite merciful on the these lovely flowers this year and I couldn't resist snapping some pictures of them this last week. They are so cheery and have been begging me to share them with you. The last one was taken this morning when a cardinal was roaming amongst the tulips, looking for a tasty breakfast during this mornings' rain. I'd like to think he was enjoying the ambiance as well.

Someday...

I haven't been very diligent at blogging lately and it's not because I'm breaking down or too stressed or anything like that. Quite simply, I haven't had the time and the little time I do have I just want to sit, not think or plan or contemplate...just sit and bask in the silence. I have say too, that the girls and I have had many fun filled days lately as we took a two week trip to Minneapolis over Easter (thanks Grace and Kevin!) and have been soaking up perfect weather to play outside in. Unfortunately it's left little time for me to sit down and blog which leads me to the reason for the title of this post. Someday I hope to be more consistent on posting the little things we do or the random thoughts that stick around long enough in my brain to actually pour themselves out on the screen in front of me. For that matter, someday I hope to have more time to practice piano, landscape the backyard, learn to sew on my fabulous sewing machine, take up golfing, organize all the baby stuff to sell in a garage sale, have a garage sale and reupholster my sofa. For now, I'm just trying to stick the important stuff like making sure the girls are loved, fed, clean, educated and trained to sleep threw the night. That last one still needs a lot of work. The rest of the time is spent being a wife to a husband on the other side of the world, keeping this house running (I've become quite proficient at fixing toilets) and getting in my daily workout. In light of focusing on what my priorities are right now, I feel really good about where we're at right now in the craziness of this year and even though there are many things that plague my mind from the department of "I really should..." I'm okay with letting those things ride in the backseat awhile longer. Until then I'm going to try to focus this blog on fun things and celebrate the discoveries these precious girls make everyday.

Silly Me

My Mom called me tonight to ask me how the blog ended. I was very confused at this question. I was quite certain I had not published an unfinished blog but apparently I had.

Hee, Hee, Heee...

Oh, for certain I've lost my marbles!

In case you were at all curious, Brent called while I was in the middle of writing a sentence and while I was certain I had hit the "save now" button, I must have hit the "publish post" button instead. I have now finished it in case you were feeling bored enough to want to read the rest.

I have not stopped laughing at myself since which tells me that a) I've lost my mind and need medical attention, b) I need to go to bed right this minute since my overdoses on coffee lately have not been an effective treatment to the state of exhaustion I'm walking around in or c) I need to get out more because this really isn't that funny when I think about it and yet, I'm still laughing.

Brent, I'm sorry if you come home to a wife whose eyes are bugged out and is running around the house chasing phantom bats with a broom yelling "I'm gonna getcha! I'm gonna getcha!" I'll do my best to hold it together but let's just both pray this is all over soon. Day and night, pray. Like seriously, maybe every time you think of me or the girls. Let's synchronize out watches and then maybe every five minutes we'll ask God to keep me going. Like a little wind up toy who is beating his drum slower and slower until someone comes along and gives it a crank. That's me. I need God to give me a crank. Every five minutes sounds about right.

I'm going to bed...

...after I pray.

To Be a Kid (completed)

When we had Sage I was determined that I would not be a parent who competed with other parents in the game of who has the smartest, most brilliant, Einstein in the making, Harvard should be calling any day, child. Along the way I've met parents who were just as determined to lure me into the boxing ring of "here's what MY kid is doing now" jabs but I feel I was able to hold my own and steer clear of throwing any jabs or uppercuts from my corner. (I think I've been doing a little too much tae bo lately) Now, for certain, there are people who actually care and are interested in your child enough to want to know all the little details. I'm not talking about them, I'm talking about the ones who ramble off all the latest and greatest accomplishments there child has made and then ask you that inevitable question: "So, what is YOUR child doing now?" My answer was usually something like "Oh, we love to go to the zoo and tickle the sharks swimming over our heads" or "Sage is just getting into having me paint her nails and sometimes we make it extra special by also painting polka dots on them!" Secretly, I'm hoping my answer annoys the socks off them.

Still, I couldn't help falling into the trap of questioning if I'm teaching Sage enough right now. Is the new norm to have her reading before she gets to kindergarten? If it is then I'd better snap to it. Not to mention, we really need to clear up her numbers because mixing up 6 and 9 will be sooooo not cool by the time she's in preschool.

Then I read something so provocative that seriously, I feel like a new parent with a whole new set of parenting tools. There's this book that I highly recommend by Dr. Brazelton (he's a huge voice in the world of research in child development) and I had finally gotten around to reading his the chapter in his book Touchpoints that was on three year olds. When I got to the subject of cognitive development, what he had to say was so incredibly shocking to me that I think I ended up reading three times. Here's the first part of it.

"In the pressured world of families today, many parents of children aged three or younger will wonder when to begin teaching them to read and write. My response: Don't, until she demands it."

Don't teach your child to read unless she demands it? Are you kidding me?

He goes on to talk about a study done in the 60's where a group of three year olds were taught to read and gained adult approval because of it but were shunned by peers who hadn't learned the skills. Then they began to slip in second and third grade because the learning process they'd used earlier wasn't enough in the more complex studies of later grades. Once they lost their place in the top of the class, they also lost the adult approval that had fed them before and ended up truly in a sorry state since they had never developed the social skills needed to get along with their peers. In the end he concludes that the best thing you can for your child at this age is to let her learn for herself. Achieving a task on her own will give a sense of accomplishment that will serve her much more for future learning than if the parent had pushed her.

Let me tell you, since I've read this the air has changed in this house and it's been an eye-opener to me at how much I was taking charge of the activities we did. By far what I've noticed the most is how much more I enjoy just playing with them or watching them play. It's as if I'm learning right along with them only my lesson is on discovering more about my girls and who they are even at this young age. So thank you Dr. Brazelton for my lesson on withstanding peer pressure. I never thought I'd need that lesson at the age of 31 but apparently I did.

A Level of Respect

Since we first moved to Omaha and started this military life, I have always wanted to make note of something so far from normalcy in the civilian world that happens here everyday on the base. For my friends who are military and happen to read this blog, please feel free to share your first or memorable experience as well. I was raised on a farm and my life was so far removed from this world of rituals and abbreviated EVERYTHING, where your doctor shows up in camouflage and expects you to not think twice about his or her attire. There are many positives about this life that I don't want to forget and this is one memory I will smile over for the rest of my life.

Everyday, sometime around 4pm, loud horns can be heard from any point on base. If you are outside when you hear this, all activity must stop. I'm not sure what those inside buildings must do but I do know that I've never had to stop grocery shopping when they've gone off. If you are driving in your car, you must pull over. If you are active duty you must actually get out of your car and salute in the American flag as the National Anthem is then played throughout the base. This happens during rush hour on base when everyone leaves around 4:30pm so can you imagine all these cars pulled to the side of the road, out of respect for the anthem, everyday?

Now imagine what it would be like if you were an officer in your car and experiencing this ritual for your first time...only no one told you what it was about or what you were suppose to do. Yeah, that was the case for poor Brent. If I remember right, he just kind of played it cool and followed along with everyone around him. Sadly, there have been many other "here's something else that we do that is in no way considered normal that somehow you were just suppose to know" moments. Live and learn, right?

My first time hearing those horns blast was while we were swimming in the base pool. By this point Brent had already had his lesson on car etiquette in this situation but what do you do when you are swimming in the deep end of the pool? Were we suppose to get out? Could we quietly just keep swimming? Being the street smart people we are, we stole glances at the seven year olds swimming next to us and gathered from them that the people in the pool were suppose to turn to the direction of the flag seize all movement or quietly tread if you couldn't touch the bottom of the pool. The mother's who had been soaking some rays all put their books down, stood with hands over their hearts and showed their respect along with the rest of us.

Okay, I totally get the patriotism and respect that is shown in all of this and it there is a sense of pride every time when we take that moment out of normalcy to honor what this country and not to mention, the whole point of being in the military is about. But I'm sorry...it's a terrible, embarrassing thing for me to do...I just can't help but get the giggles every time. I think it's because I always think of Pavlov's dogs and that this could be mistaken for some mighty impressive conditioning.


Case and point: On my Mom's last visit here we were walking into the commissary (grocery store) when the horns started. I immediately grabbed my Mom's arms and told her to stop. She had no clue what was happening and thought we must be in some kind of danger but thankfully, before she tried to take cover or make some other defensive maneuver, she saw that everyone around her had stopped as well and were not in the least bit concerned. I looked around and tried imagine what this scene looked like to her as people who were on their way to their cars with the carry out person toting their groceries behind them, stopped dead in their tracks--even if it was in the middle of the street--and stood with somber faces and hands properly placed on their chest. What was she thinking when she saw the lady a few feet away standing by her open trunk with groceries only half loaded? At first she had the proper response of "how neat" and "there is dignity and honor in doing this." But then...

...then came the giggles.

Clare Bear is One

My little Clare, you are now one years old and my heart hurts a little when I think what being one means. When you're one you have lots to do and so much to explore and many things to learn that no longer will you have time to take little naps on Mommy and Daddy's chest or find delight only in our faces as we tell you how much we love you. Now you are determined to find everything in the house that you've never seen before leaving us with only seconds to give you a quick hug before you insist on being put down to go explore some more. You are learning to be independent and strong on your own--and while I'm thrilled that you want to do these things, I'm a bit sad at the thought of my little cling-on detaching herself from me.

One year of your life has passed and with great relief I can say that you were a wonderful baby. Oh, there were the difficult moments that every parent of a baby goes through and definitely nights where I felt like I would never get to see my pillow again; but then you would give me that beautiful smile or hold on to me as tightly as I held you, making all those long nights or days softly slip away.

In just one year we have learned so much about your big personality. You know what you want and have a great determination to get it. You give passion to everything you do, including the intensity of your frustration. At one you are already starting to stick up for yourself with your big sister which I'm relieved about because she is much bigger than you and you are going to need the feistiness in your little body to keep up with her. You are quite dramatic, to the point that a stranger will be certain that you were physically injured when really they just got close to you without you giving them permission. You have some fears but will let them go given enough proof that they're not really that scary. My biggest and most favorite part of you is the pot of joy inside of you that bubbles over every day. It's like you were given extra sprinkles of happiness to be shared with everyone around you and when you do, you have the ability to make the grumpiest person in the world smile. Such a little girl with such a big heart.

Your birthday was a wonderful time for us because your Daddy was able to schedule his leave to be home for your special day. Grandpa Buck, Grandma Jane, Nana and Papa were all there to celebrate with us and to watch you devour your birthday cake. About your cake, I'm very sorry but the Care Bear cake that I was trying to make completely fell apart and Daddy and Papa had to go buy a cake (which was very tasty and thank you for saving the day) from the grocery store. Papa had the great idea to ask if the bakery had any Care Bear stuff for the cake and bless their hearts, they did. I vow to make it up to you and make you that cake sometime soon as well as give you stellar cakes on your birthdays to come. You had a great time playing with the balloons and opening your presents but no doubt, your favorite part was eating the cake and decorating your face and hair with it. In spite of my loser cake, it was a fun day and you were so adorable.

We love you so much Bear and are so thankful that God chose us to be your parents. You have blessed us more than we could ever have imagined. We are so proud to call you our daughter. Happy Birthday Sweetheart.

Chia Legs

Calling all mother of babies and toddlers! Here is an brilliant idea for a learning experience for your child that is both entertaining and will not cost you a penny. It's quite easy actually, just refrain from picking up the razor and let your leg hair grow as nature intended it to. When your pants begin to catch on your new growth, you are then ready to sit down with your child and let them delight themselves in the fun texture of your calves. You will laugh with your child as she discovers a whole new world of prickly legs. Enhance her experience by showing her rubbing one direction is smooth while the other is scratchy. Hint: Have a stuffed animal nearby so that you can show the difference between soft hair and porcupine hair. You are guaranteed hours of entertainment for your child at no cost to you. Plus, you can take this toy anywhere! So start now! Supplies are not limited!

Brought to you by the Mothers of One Minute Showers.

A Good Workout

I woke up determined to do one thing: put my running shoes on and have some serious run time on the treadmill. It's been a crazy, emotional roller coaster ride these past few weeks with coming back to Omaha, picking Brent up at the airport five days later and then bringing him back yesterday to say goodbye for another five months. There was a desperation in me to run my legs off and hash it all out. This has become more than a physical conditioning for my body, now it's a "throw your gloves on" deep cleansing of my soul and I already know that today is going to be a long run with all the stuff I need to sort out with God.

The first minutes are always like a dog tearing out the door after being cooped up inside all day. I've got my ishuffle cued to today's choices of Sara Groves songs and as always the lyrics serve like a person adding their wise observations to a conversation as I let my mind wander over the beautiful two weeks we had with Brent. There, of course, are memories too private to share and then their are the ones too precious not to. Like Sage skipping into the airport, chatting away about going to find Daddy and then the smile on her face as she shyly walked into his arms with no intentions of ever being let go of and not a single word left to say. Or Clare being at a water park and so overwhelmed by all the sights and sounds but the moment Brent came into view she screams out "DADA!" like she knew who was suppose to protect her.

I'm feeling great. Maybe I'll add minutes to this run today.

This goodbye was different then last time. I told Brent that the best way that I could describe how it feels to send my husband into a country where there are men at any corner who would give their lives end his is this: I'm standing on the shore of a frozen lake with my hands tied, mouth gagged and eyes blindfolded, knowing that Brent is on that lake walking over it hour after hour, day after day; and also knowing that there are parts of that lake where the ice is so thin he would be certain to fall through. If he did, I would not be able to help him and since I cannot see or hear him, I wouldn't even know it had happened until someone lifted that blindfold off my eyes. It took everything in me to let him go and watch his uniform disappear through the doors of the airport.

My knee is hurting a bit...weird. I read something that knee problems in runners can come from the runner turning their feet in when they step (I'm not even sure if I do that) so maybe I'll try focusing on the way I plant my foot...what do you know, it seems to help. I think the pain is going away.

I think I've been purposely avoiding the reality of where he is. No CNN, no FOX news, nothing. I wanted to avoid all reports of terrorist activities and live in the idea that it was relatively safe where Brent is. Brent's camera wasn't working either so I wasn't even getting pictures from him either. But then he came home and there were the less than expected conditions that he is living in and traveling in and not to mention, the time I slipped and watched a report of a suicide bomber in southern Afghanistan and listened as the Taliban claimed responsibility and promised more attacks in that area. That area...southern Afghanistan...where Brent is. My Brent, my most favorite person in the whole world, the man I want to laugh with and love for the rest of my life, the father of our sweet and innocent little girls. I know they just want to drive fear into us and well, I'm sorry but they have succeeded in scaring me. How am I suppose to be okay with this? How do I just sit here for the next five months waiting to see how it all pans out?

I think I started out too fast. My side is hurting now. I know if I focus on my breathing it will get better. This is not the wall, I will not stop for just this. I'll just breathe.

We keep saying that God has a purpose for us in all of this and things that He wants to show us and teach us. So I guess now would be a good time to start looking for today's lesson. In an instant the angels are flapping their wings again. I had been praying for God's angels to protect Brent and the men there and I all of sudden remembered that I'm not completely helpless...okay, okay, I know that when I'm relying on God to be my strength I'm never helpless. But the Bible talks a lot about angels and how many times they were used to bring messages and warnings and also to protect people. I figure they must be much more intimidating than any army we've got so, "Lord, send your strongest angels. Let them stand as a barrier between Brent and these men whose only mission in being there is to help the people of Afghanistan."

Pain is gone but the run isn't going as easy as I thought it would be. I won't be adding minutes to this run but I know I will finish it. Sage is running around in circles by me while Clare's taking her nap. I hope that as they grow up they get something out of being around us while we work out. I hope they will want to live healthy lives.

Two eyes, one pair green and often found in a look of deep contemplation as she figures out the workings of her world and the other blue and so ready to smile at what she knows in her young one year of life. They flash in my mind and all of a sudden I know that this journey, this difficult road is not only about what I can learn but also about what I can teach them.

My knee is hurting again and this time the way I step my foot isn't going to help it. I know I should probably stop to prevent injury but I can't, not now. I need to finish this run.

Brent said the one thing that gets him through this is knowing that if something did happen to him that I would be alright because my faith in Jesus would get me through it. I feel a certainty in that too but right now I need Jesus to get me through today. I need to let Him take this fear and hold it for me so that I can be the mother He wants me to be for my girls. I need to let Him take over so that one day they can look back and know that the One I live for was the one who stepped up to the plate to take Brent's spot of support and reassurance to me through this whole time. This may be the greatest lesson I'll ever teach them and it will not be by my words but by the way I live right now, this moment and the moments to come. Now is not the time to give up and sit on the couch every day, throwing pity parties for myself. I want them to know that choosing Jesus doesn't mean you get a free pass from all the hard stuff in life but that when you do, He's there to see you through it. He wants to be our peace. He wants to hold us and comfort us when it seems we're hanging by a thread. The bonus is that when we draw ourselves so close to Him, He makes us more like Him. I pray that someday they will see God in all of this too.

I'm literally hobbling along now. I know I'm going to pay for this later and that I've let this battle inside me morph out onto the treadmill but I can't stop. I have to finish this run.

I focus my eyes for the hundredth time on the sign Brent hung for me to have in my line of sight as inspiration for these kinds of workouts. It's that war sign with the words "We Can Do It" over a woman flexing her arm. Today the "We" is Brent and myself and in my heart I hear the words "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength."

"...Christ who gives me strength."

"...strength."


I finish my run.

I will be back tomorrow.

We are Home

After three months of crashing at my parents home, we are back in NE and so happy to be home. There were many blessings to living up in MN for that time but it also feels so good to be in our own space on this earth. The time with Nana and Papa was very special for the girls and I will cherish the pictures in my mind of Sage clinging to my Dad for a special "Papa hug" or Clare having were dynamic conversations with Mom. It was a time filled with monumental moments like Sage becoming completely potty trained (thank you hot tub--you will never know what you mean to me) and Clare getting her first teeth and doing other firsts like crawling, pulling her self up, saying "hi" while waving at you and learning the "more" sign. For me it was a blessing to have someone else to share these moments with while Brent is gone. It was sad to have to say goodbye to them and while the quietness in their house now is probably a bit strange, I'm sure it's also welcomed. That, and the removal of the toys that somehow never stayed in the toy box when someone cleaned up are I'm sure very appreciated right now!

The drive back was long with icy roads over half of the journey. The girls and I stopped at my good friend Becky's house and spent the night on Saturday to break the trip up and to get a chance to visit with her. She and her husband, Travis, are amazing. Somehow they are able to not only stay sane but also to be an inspiration to everyone around them as they raise two VERY active boys who are 3 and 4 and twin girls who are 5 months old. I have no idea how they do it but they do. Yet even in all the chaos of their kids plus mine added to the mix, it was so fun to see them and to stay up and visit with Becky. I love this family and I always leave them feeling like I learned something new about God's love.

After the winter blog from earlier it was a shock to get into Omaha and see barely any snow on the ground and for the temperature to be 45 warm degrees! Thank you Lord! Sage was so thrilled to start seeing sights in the car that she recognized and when we finally came into the house she ran from room to room saying "I'm so glad to be home." Then they sat and went through all the toys that were left here and she would pick up the dinkiest toy that probably came from a happy meal and say "Look Mom, my kitty!" Clare on the other hand does not seem to recognize this as home and has been quite clingy but that doesn't surprise me too much. She only woke up once last night so that's a good sign.

I have many pictures from our stay in MN that I plan to share as soon as I demolish the piles of stuff that need to get put away.

A Hint of Lunacy

In one word I can summarize the weather up here this past month: COLD!!!!!

I'm not talking about a "Ohhh, it's chilly out. I'd better throw on my fuzzy Gap scarf before I go outside" kind of cold. We're talking so cold that there is a sense of urgency that rushes through your body when you step outside that tells you that you'd better get to where you're heading fast before your lungs freeze and you are left standing like one of the sorry souls frozen in time in the Chronicles of Narnia.

Here's the kicker: we want to move back to Minnesota in a couple years. I know, I KNOW! One has to wonder if brain cells were possibly killed off during the winter months that we would still want to move back here, knowing what we would have to endure every year. A normal person would stay far, far away from this insane climate but in spite of the brutal cold, we still love this area. There is a beauty here that comes with the winter that makes the cold a part of home as much as the mosquito filled, hot summer days that serve as a reprieve for our frost bitten toes.

I'll give you a taste of that beauty I found on my way to the mailbox one day. It was a quick trip as the temp was in the negatives and my body was numb by the time I got back in the house but I was determined to get some proof that there was something to be treasured in this ice covered paradise. You be the judge.