We're Still Alive

Jane called me this morning because she was worried about us since I hadn't posted anything for a week. We're okay, I'm just exhausted. I have a new found respect for single parents and right now I can't wait to head up to my parents. God is good and He'll get us through this but that doesn't mean it's going to be without struggle. Let's just leave it at that.

On a brighter note, I just finished a parenting book called Negotiation Generation. It took a long time to get through this book as the writer seems to enjoy reviewing her points over and over until you are repeating them in your sleep. She believes that parents today over talk to their children about rules (or "fences" as she terms them) until it becomes a negotiation and power struggle with the child. Her plan is for you to be a proactive parent and let your child know your expectations for their behavior and the action that will be taken for misbehavior, before conflicts arrive. Then if the child disobeys, the parent no longer talks but in a respectful way will physically remind the child what is expected. Here's an example from the book: Mike is three year old who has a hard time sitting long enough to eat his meals and is lately using his hands to eat instead of utensils. Before dinner his mom says "Mike, at dinner you'll need to use utensils for eating and you'll eat sitting in your chair. If you forget, I will remind you." The meal starts and after ten minutes Mike picks up his chicken with his fingers; his mom hands him a fork. When he gets out of his chair, his mom returns him to the table. She may have to do this many times for many days but over time the consistency of the action she takes to show him what she expects will enable him to learn his mealtime "fence." There is obviously more to the book than this or else I would have given up reading it weeks ago but that is the main idea behind the book.

So armed with my new parenting skills I have been trying to implement this theory with Sage and for the most part, it's been pretty effective. There is just one problem that I've run into and that is what do you do when the conflict wasn't predicted and you find yourself in the middle of a meltdown? Get ready because I sooooo have an example for you.

Last week we went to the library. It had been a very long time since I had taken Sage to the library but thanks to the book "Curious George and the Library," I felt pretty confident that the expectations I had for Sage were all laid out and clear. She could pick out up to five books, one dvd and we had to use our quiet voices at all times while in the library. As we walk through the doors she sees it; the fish tank. Excitement overtakes her as she runs over to get acquainted with the "silly fish" until her hopes of enjoying them all to herself are dashed when two strange children have the audacity to run to the fish tank before her and steal away the fish's attention. It was then that I started to watch all my proactive parenting unravel. When my sweet little cherub started charging at the two children yelling "THAT'S MY FISH!" I quickly--without a word of course--grabbed her hand, did a quick u-turn and headed back to the door. Here's where my confusion comes in.
1) Was I suppose to predict there would be a fish tank and that Sage would freak out? I can't really leave the girls in the car to go scope out the situation. Maybe I was suppose to call ahead and ask if there was anything in the library that might spark an irrational territorial response in an almost three year old.
2) Am I still suppose to keep to the "no talking in the midst of a conflict" rule when I never laid out my expectations for fish tank in a library behavior beforehand?
3) Should I talk to her about the fish behavior but use the "no talking" rule for the "we do not use our loud voice in a library" fence that she is so clearly violating?

I decided, in my state of sheer panic, to stick with all show and no tell. I figured my best route would be sign language so I dug into my signing wealth of knowledge from the handy Baby Signing Time videos. Let's see...Fish--put hands together and make a swimming motion...are for--hold up four fingers...everyone--make one broad swoop of hand (I figured that by including everyone and not just the two kids I was being proactive)...no--shake head...screaming--make a lion-is-roaring face.
By this point I think Sage was crying more at my scary lion face than anything else so I decided to throw caution in the wind and got down at eye level and said in my very serious voice "Sage, you need to stop crying. The fish are not yours, they are for everyone. You can go look at the fish but if you can't be nice to the other kids then you need to stay with me. Let's go in and find some fun books to bring home." That seemed to work for a little bit and then it was like she wanted to try to claim the fish again so I put my hand on her shoulder and said "No more." After that she was fine. We got three books and a dvd and headed home. I think the biggest lesson I'm going to keep from this book is this: know your kid enough to know how they'll listen and learn in a way that's best for them.