Phase Two

One word for the week I just had--whirlwind. After a wonderfully blessed week with Brent, we brought him to the airport and I was forced to let go of his hand and watch him say goodbye to his girls again. I must admit (and he does too) that this parting was easier than the first...maybe because we know what to expect but also because this phase will be much easier for both of us. He will be finished with his miserable training and doing something with a purpose and I and the girls will be living with my parents (insert sigh of relief here). Having Brent home has only made me love him more and truly I feel like being married to him is a luxury. He flew back to NC and will be flying out to Afghanistan in a couple days so please, please please, keep him in your prayers.

An hour after we got back from the airport, my mom showed up to help move me and the girls up to MN. She had just finished up some job training in Sioux Falls, SD with her co-worker, Gayle, so they drove down to Omaha that night and then we hit the road by 9am the next morning. Bless their hearts for putting up with the extra two and a half hours added to an eight hour drive that riding with kids adds. Seriously could not have made that move without the extra room Mom's van offered for all the stuff I had to pack for this trip.

This morning I was officially welcomed back when the coffee I was sipping awakened me enough to realize it was snowing out. Good grief. Sage told me she wanted to go make a snowman but realized she couldn't when she saw that the snow melted on the ground. I assured her there would be plenty of opportunities to play in the snow in just a short time.

We are adjusting and trying to get back to our nights of little or no waking up (by we I mean Sage and Clare). The girls seem to be happy to be at Nana and Papa's and I'm just thrilled to have their company and of course their help. Between here and the many trips I'll make to Fargo to see Brent's parents, I am confident that all lost sanity from the past three months will be restored and the girls will see the return of a much happier mom and delicious, home cooked meals.
Right Mom?

I have many pictures to post but they were all taken on my new fancy, shmancy camera that Brent gave me and I need my brother, Ehren, to help me with the technical stuff and also I have to post them at his place because this connection my parents have is slower than snails. I seriously read a magazine while waiting to get to this page to write my post. We're talking SLLLOOOOOWWWWWW!!!!!!!

Together Again

He's home. Thank you Lord, he's home. It may be for just a week but right now I will take any extra minute with Brent that the government gives us. The plan had been that he would fly in last Thursday but they wrapped up training a day early and Brent was able to catch a flight out that day. Of course, he didn't share this change of plan with me so imagine my reaction when on Wednesday night, at around 9pm, I'm sitting on the couch and all of a sudden there is someone pounding on the sliding glass doors in the kitchen. I seriously sat there for a second wondering if I should turn off the lights or what weapon of choice I should take with me if I decided to approach the masked murderer waiting on our deck--a set of wooden blocks to chuck at him or a broom. When I finally got the nerve to see who the stalker was, there was Brent looking through the glass with a big grin on his face. Best surprise of my life so far.


Sage woke up that night which I'm sure he was happy about and when he went into her room with me she just stared quietly at him. We tucked her in but then fifteen minutes later she was crying again so this time I went into her room by myself. Fifteen minutes after I leave her she's crying again so this time Brent goes in there. He told me that the whole time he was in there she just kept saying "Hi Daddy, I missed you." After he left that time she slept through the rest of the night.


All concerns as to what the girls reaction to seeing their Dad after his absence of 2 1/2 months were washed away our first morning together. Even Clare, who was just 6 months when Brent left, was visibly thrilled to see her Daddy. That was the biggest surprise to me since she is very much a mama's girl. After coming home from a date the other evening, I woke her up to nurse her and I had a very hard time keeping her attention because she wanted talk to Daddy the whole time and throw him her best grins. I'm just so thankful that the girls are literally goo-goo over their Dad, it must help his heart a bit to know before he head's off to Afghanistan that he's loved this much.

As for me, I am so, so happy right now and I know this sounds a little funny, but I feel so incredibly relaxed. It's like I've been walking around tense, ready for the cry, the meltdown, the potty accidents, the stuff going into a curious mouth that shouldn't and the possibility of worst case scenarios. There is a thought in the back of my mind reminding me that he is going again but for now, let's not think about that. I just want to soak him up over the next few days and enjoy our family the way it is suppose to be--together.

Dr. Doolittle

There was a movie I related to more than any other when I was growing up: Dr. Doolittle. I'm talking about the one made in 1967 with Rex Harrison. I truly believed that this extraordinary ability to be able to talk to animals and understand them had only been given to Dr. Doolittle and myself.

With no fear I could approach an animal and feel out whether the creature was a shy sort or the more assertive, happy-go-lucky type.

I would know just the right softness to put in my voice to make the wildest of beasts melt at my gentleness.

Every gesture made was in tune to what the animal needed to hear to know that I was a friend, not foe.

Once trust was established, I knew I had made a friend for life...or at least until they were either sent to the butcher or run down on the highway.

My world was surreal and cheery as I lived in harmonious communication with the animals around me (unlike Dr. Doolittle though, I would not extend into the insect realm...on a farm that possibility was way too gross). Yes, just me standing in the gap between the misunderstood hairy beings and the rest of the human population.

That is, until the cow kicked me, the dog bit me and the cat used me as a scratching post. I don't plan on cluing Sage in on the truth, she'll figure it out on her own.

Back from the Golden State

I did it. Chalk one up in the victory box for me. I survived a trip to California, traveling with with the girls by myself. An understatement would be to say that it was a challenging trip but for sure it was so worth it. My friend Amy is living in the same difficult world right now as her husband Mike, who is also a family physician, is deployed to Afghanistan. She has twin three year old girls, Katie and Jessica, and graciously opened up her home to us to come visit and to give her and I a chance to catch up and offer support to each other. It's hard to truly be honest with people when they ask how your doing because this situation so completely and thoroughly rocks your life that your left feeling like very few truly can offer the support you need. So it was in many ways healing to be able to talk to someone who gets it and understands why exactly this is so hard. I asked a lot of Sage and Clare, especially Sage, to fly to CA, adjust to a two hour time change, go do activities while they were tired from lack of sleep and to do this all the while getting to know two friendly three year old girls and their Mom. While I'm writing this it's starting to make sense why there were so many meltdowns from Sage! When she's like that though, it does add to my stress but I don't regret any part of this trip at all because I really feel that she needs to be stretched sometimes to learn how to adapt outside of our little world here.

Overall, I'm so glad I went. Amy is an amazing host and is one of those people with the gift of totally making you feel at home in their house. I loved our late night chats after the girls were in bed and I'm so thankful God put the idea in our hearts to do this now. Speaking for myself, I needed this time to regroup and to really know that I'm not alone in this and I can't thank Amy enough for giving that to me.

Here are some highlights from the trip--unfortunately there aren't many pics and I'm so bummed to not to have a picture of Amy with Katie and Jessica but check out her blog if you want to see more. Warning! Her blog is so entertaining that you WILL become addicted.

http://www.mikeamykatiejessica.blogspot.com/

The Embrace of Everything Girly

I have a confession, I bought a Cinderella/Barbie type doll for Sage yesterday with no prompting at all on her part in an effort to steer her away (just a bit) from bugs. I was sharing with my mom yesterday morning about the little apple picking adventure I took the girls on and how Sage had spent most of the time digging worms out of the most rotten apples and examining them as they crawled around her fingers. GROSS! At least that was my thought but of course I love her curiosity so I have to be all "Isn't that fascinating Sage? A slimy, squishy worm that seems to love slithering all over you!" And then yesterday, while I was trimming the bushes that had taken on jungle size proportions, she was in the midst of it looking for bugs and eventually pretending that the fuzzy ends of weeds were caterpillars. So I have decided that it would be in my own selfish, I-don't-want-to-be-grossed-out interest to introduce her to a new world of fun. And what is more fun than a Cinderella doll complete with sparkles, a skirt you can take off and even a crown? Even better, this is a bath time Cinderella with a little watering can and a Gus mouse that squirts water out of the little soap bar he's holding. Let me tell you, once I saw that Sage could play in the water with this doll, I knew I had a winner and a reprieve from catching grasshoppers.

So far my master plan is working and all last evening and this morning Cinderella has had a break from all her chores and has been in sheer luxury at the Sage Spa Resort. Best of all, there was not a worm in sight.

We're Still Alive

Jane called me this morning because she was worried about us since I hadn't posted anything for a week. We're okay, I'm just exhausted. I have a new found respect for single parents and right now I can't wait to head up to my parents. God is good and He'll get us through this but that doesn't mean it's going to be without struggle. Let's just leave it at that.

On a brighter note, I just finished a parenting book called Negotiation Generation. It took a long time to get through this book as the writer seems to enjoy reviewing her points over and over until you are repeating them in your sleep. She believes that parents today over talk to their children about rules (or "fences" as she terms them) until it becomes a negotiation and power struggle with the child. Her plan is for you to be a proactive parent and let your child know your expectations for their behavior and the action that will be taken for misbehavior, before conflicts arrive. Then if the child disobeys, the parent no longer talks but in a respectful way will physically remind the child what is expected. Here's an example from the book: Mike is three year old who has a hard time sitting long enough to eat his meals and is lately using his hands to eat instead of utensils. Before dinner his mom says "Mike, at dinner you'll need to use utensils for eating and you'll eat sitting in your chair. If you forget, I will remind you." The meal starts and after ten minutes Mike picks up his chicken with his fingers; his mom hands him a fork. When he gets out of his chair, his mom returns him to the table. She may have to do this many times for many days but over time the consistency of the action she takes to show him what she expects will enable him to learn his mealtime "fence." There is obviously more to the book than this or else I would have given up reading it weeks ago but that is the main idea behind the book.

So armed with my new parenting skills I have been trying to implement this theory with Sage and for the most part, it's been pretty effective. There is just one problem that I've run into and that is what do you do when the conflict wasn't predicted and you find yourself in the middle of a meltdown? Get ready because I sooooo have an example for you.

Last week we went to the library. It had been a very long time since I had taken Sage to the library but thanks to the book "Curious George and the Library," I felt pretty confident that the expectations I had for Sage were all laid out and clear. She could pick out up to five books, one dvd and we had to use our quiet voices at all times while in the library. As we walk through the doors she sees it; the fish tank. Excitement overtakes her as she runs over to get acquainted with the "silly fish" until her hopes of enjoying them all to herself are dashed when two strange children have the audacity to run to the fish tank before her and steal away the fish's attention. It was then that I started to watch all my proactive parenting unravel. When my sweet little cherub started charging at the two children yelling "THAT'S MY FISH!" I quickly--without a word of course--grabbed her hand, did a quick u-turn and headed back to the door. Here's where my confusion comes in.
1) Was I suppose to predict there would be a fish tank and that Sage would freak out? I can't really leave the girls in the car to go scope out the situation. Maybe I was suppose to call ahead and ask if there was anything in the library that might spark an irrational territorial response in an almost three year old.
2) Am I still suppose to keep to the "no talking in the midst of a conflict" rule when I never laid out my expectations for fish tank in a library behavior beforehand?
3) Should I talk to her about the fish behavior but use the "no talking" rule for the "we do not use our loud voice in a library" fence that she is so clearly violating?

I decided, in my state of sheer panic, to stick with all show and no tell. I figured my best route would be sign language so I dug into my signing wealth of knowledge from the handy Baby Signing Time videos. Let's see...Fish--put hands together and make a swimming motion...are for--hold up four fingers...everyone--make one broad swoop of hand (I figured that by including everyone and not just the two kids I was being proactive)...no--shake head...screaming--make a lion-is-roaring face.
By this point I think Sage was crying more at my scary lion face than anything else so I decided to throw caution in the wind and got down at eye level and said in my very serious voice "Sage, you need to stop crying. The fish are not yours, they are for everyone. You can go look at the fish but if you can't be nice to the other kids then you need to stay with me. Let's go in and find some fun books to bring home." That seemed to work for a little bit and then it was like she wanted to try to claim the fish again so I put my hand on her shoulder and said "No more." After that she was fine. We got three books and a dvd and headed home. I think the biggest lesson I'm going to keep from this book is this: know your kid enough to know how they'll listen and learn in a way that's best for them.

Nobody Loves You Like Your Grandparents

My Mom's side of the family, the Johnson's, are perpetual teasers. I must say that when in their company, I fall right into the ranks with them. I'm not sure but this may have come from my Grandpa. He and my Grandma would babysit me when I was little and even at a young age I understood the game that was being played between him and me and teased him right back. At least, that's what I've been told. Sadly, he died when I was five and my memories of him are only a few. I know that he must have been special to me because after he died I found a big rock in the ground under the canopy of a pine tree and designated it as his tombstone. For years I would crawl under that tree and sit by that rock, just wanting to feel close to him. I'm sure I could find that rock to this very day.

Our girls are so blessed to have five grandparents who love them so completely and unconditionally and it brings such joy to Brent and I each time we watch them love on our kids. This last weekend when Bruce and Jane were here and their visit was a welcomed respite to our sometimes unbelievably long days. It was absolutely hilarious to watch Sage make an egg bake with Grandma Jane, amusing Jane with her exclamations of "I just so happy to eat!" And I love it that Bruce took Sage to the zoo the next day and spent what I'm sure was an obscene amount of time at the bird exhibit just so that she could experience the birds landing on her. We met up with them later at the hotel where he and Sage hopped back and forth from the hot tub into the pool until I had to practically pull the two of them out of the water just so I could get the girls home to bed. Even Clare, who is pretty much a Mommy's girl right now, was even getting a kick out of her grandparents.

Their visit really got me thinking about all the wonderful things I missed out on when I lost my Grandpa at such a young age. Not to get too morbid but this has led me to a plea I have for you, Bruce, Jane, Mark and Audrey (and Bev, but I'll have to verbally ask her because she doesn't have internet); please, I beg you, take care of yourselves and do whatever you have to do to be around for these girls and all the rest of your grandchildren for as long as possible. I want them to know for themselves the very special relationship they have with each of their grandparents and not just what others have told them. Thank you for loving them the way you do, I don't think I could ever tell you how much it means to us but then again, you are parents yourself and probably already understand.